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Saturday, June 30, 2007


I went with my parents to see my great uncle today. He was happy to see me... it's been a while. He looked better than I expected. It's hard to believe just how sick he really is. Last night he was getting out of the hospital bed and he dislocated his hip. Nothing seems to be going his way. :/

On the way home, my father decided he wanted to take a different route home... right by her place. I asked him if he could not go that way. He asked why? My mother spoke up and said, "Because this way goes right past C's house." Well, he totally flipped out at me, telling me that I'm fucked up and told me to "get the fuck over it already" because there are more important and larger problems that people have. He kept talking until I just said, "Just stop talking." Needless to say I cried all the way home and tried to keep the anxiety attack from coming on from being in that area of the city.

I'm sorry, but with a month past, I still feel empty inside and so incredibly sad. And when I think too much about her or have to do something that reminds me of her or 'us', I have varying degrees of anxiety. Tomorrow morning I'm going golfing and it's going to kill me to put my clubs in the car and drive to the course. It's going to be very emotional to tee off on every single hole. I didn't want to golf at all this year because it's too painful to think about golfing without her... but I was invited and feel I should force myself to do it.

I just hate feeling this sad and empty. I look at my great uncle in the hospital bed who doesn't have much time left, but he talks about all of the things he was doing before he was in the hospital and what he hopes to do if he gets to leave the hospital and I think I wish I could change places with him. He enjoys life and finds joy in things and I don't. I just exist. I do things like work and watch movies and play on the computer to pass time. I don't need these years that I'm just wasting. I wish I could give them to someone who would actually value them. Yes, there are times where I'm happy... my vacation for example... the first five months of my relationship with her... first break at work with the guys... but it always goes away. I feel empty again and I'm left with fading memories of those times when I was lucky enough to feel like I was living.

I guess I better go to bed. I have a tee time to face at 7:30 in the morning.

Friday, June 29, 2007

More sadness

I found out today that the only great uncle I grew up knowing (our other family all live in other parts of the country) has about one or two months to live. Earlier this year, he was diagnosed with lung cancer from asbestos exposure back in the day. Now one of his lungs is half filled with cancer. He will probably never leave the hospital now. My great aunt is going to be so lost without him. Their two sons haven't visited or spoken to them in years... ungrateful bastards. I wonder if they'll even go see him in the hospital or go to his funeral for that matter.

I'm going to have to make a point of going to visit him in the hospital this weekend...

This would be a good time to have her around. Sigh...

I worked 13 hours today. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. No walk tonight. I don't think I'll even need a sleeping pill...

Thursday, June 28, 2007

This pretty much says it all

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly
walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


The price of a week-long vacation is the work that accumulates while away. That, on top of the usual daily stuff has caused me to be buried at work at a very bad time. I think it's safe to say that I've picked up the same amount of stress that I dropped while on vacation. It's not bothering me as much as it should though... it's nice to keep my mind occupied with it.

I don't know why, but it's been hard to cope this week. Every day is getting harder. I miss her so much and I can't stand it. I can't believe that it's been a month already. It's been a month and she's obviously fine without me. Boy, that really feels great... knowing she doesn't love or miss me enough to have second thoughts... knowing I treated her so well and loved her so much and that she threw it away. It apparently wasn't worth enough... *I* wasn't worth enough to her.

An ex co-worker is having a barbeque on Sunday and I was invited to go. It would be nice to see him again and hang out with the gang. The only problem is that for the past year, when I've hung out with him and the others, I've always brought her. She got along great with them and we always had a great time. So, to go there on Sunday without her, knowing we'll all never hang out like that again, just takes all of the fun out of it for me.

I can't think of what I'm grateful for today.... it's hard enough just breathing in and out.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I wish I had this energy...


I thought I'd post this picture instead of composing something about how I actually feel today. Thank you to Stacey who showed me how easy flickr is...

Monday, June 25, 2007

And back to reality...

I'm home. I'm cranky. I'm disappointed that my whole life didn't change for the better while I was gone. Is that too much to ask? No, seriously...

Off to bed in an attempt to get some sleep before work tomorrow. Ugh... I don't wanna get up at 5:30. I don't really want to face anything tomorrow. Or the day after that for that matter...

Today I'm grateful for:

* Stacey, who is pretty darn awesome to have as a friend (even though we sucked at that game last night!)
* Being able to change my connection through Montreal into a direct flight home.
* My iPod which kept me sane on the flight
* The book I just finished, which gave me stuff to think about regarding my 'situation'...
* My mom being thrilled that I was on the national news yesterday
* Resisting the urge to send the text message to her that I had composed about six different times at the airport this afternoon and then erased.

Scarborough has a mean Tim Horton's

I walked to Tim Horton's this morning and it was hot and humid. By the time I got there, I wanted a cold shower rather than my coffee, but figured the coffee would help me finish my work stuff faster than a cold shower. The Tim Horton's by Stacey and Angele's place is honestly one of the worst I've ever been to. The reasons why? They are disorganized, despite there being about ten people behind the counter and they yell at each other and mock each other because they are frustrated... which leads to them snapping at the customers. What the hell? It wasn't even that busy in there by normal standards, and yet it was absolute chaos. Not a great experience... especially when my bagel was practically tossed at me and when I asked which one it was I was practically yelled at.

Okay, I feel better now. : )

Sunday, June 24, 2007

I knew this would happen...

I knew I'd start getting sad/depressed after the fun was over for the week...

I knew I'd be on the 30 second clip CTV used for the Toronto Pride parade...

I knew I'd be dreading tomorrow...

I knew I should have erased that last text message from her so I wouldn't look at it every day and feel like I've been kicked in the stomach each and every time...

I know exactly how you feel... I wish I could change that but I can't... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too. I miss her so fucking much it hurts. Having a ton of fun halfway across the country did not change that... it only masked it for a while. Fuck. How do I go back home to resume life without her. How do I MAKE myself acknowledge that her text message means it just isn't going to turn out like I want. If she misses me so goddamn much, then why the hell isn't she changing things? Ughhhhhhhhhhh.....

I wonder what I'll weigh when I get home. I haven't been on a scale in a week...

I'm going to miss Stacey, Angele, Riley and their friends. Well, some of them I think I can consider my friends too. I need to move closer to my gay friends. Sigh... too bad I actually like my job.

Today, on the parade float, it was unreal how people in the crowd went absolutely insane for the bead necklaces we were throwing. All of these people screaming at you, with their hands in the air, desperate for what you have to give them.... it was unbelievable. I couldn't believe how fast the time went once the parade started. It was one of those moments in time that I've taken a mental snapshot to remember yet another time in my life where I was doing something completely not part of my normal life. I love moments like that.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Experiencing T.O. Pride
* Having felt like the most powerful person in the world for an hour and a half
* Water
* Sleep (eventually)
* Not breaking my leg in Stacey's bathroom
* Realizing that I need to talk to Stacey more often between visits

Saturday, June 23, 2007


I am frickin' tired. I went to bed just before 2 am and got up at 10:30 am, but it might as well have been 6 am, because I'm exhausted. I'm so screwed up with my sleeping this week because Toronto is two hours ahead of me and I was already sleep deprived when I arrived here on Tuesday.

Yesterday, Stacey, Riley and I amused ourselves indoors most of the day with children's music and YouTube. Yeah, it doesn't take much to entertain us, I guess. I ended up needing a nap yesterday but as I can tell today, it did nothing to help me catch up on my sleep deficit. I think I might have to take a nap right now... even though I only woke up two hours ago...

This afternoon is the Pride BBQ here... Stacey and Angele's friends are coming over. That'll be fun. Tomorrow is the Pride parade which will also be a lot of fun.

I need to go and buy another suitcase before I leave here. I was given quite a bit of stuff from a work colleague and have no place to put it. I need a new suitcase anyway, so it's probably good that I'm forcing myself to buy one.

I'm starting to think about her again... I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Shorts
* Naps
* Tim Horton's coffee
* Jen updating her blog

Thursday, June 21, 2007

So, this is what 'relaxed' feels like...

Wow. Just wow. I'm doing a mental check here... my jaw isn't tense for the first time in two months, my shoulders are relaxed, my mind is clear, and when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. Why? The girl looking back at me is relaxed and happy! I didn't realize how my unhappiness actually changed my appearance. I just feel awesome right now.

I haven't though much about her in the past two days. I did have my anxiety attack/breakdown the day before I arrived here, but once on the plane, I looked out the window and mentally said goodbye to all of that bullshit... at least for this week. And I'm glad I did, because since then, it's been a blast. Stacey and I share the same sense of humour... my face and my sides ache from laughter.

Yesterday we visited Niagara Falls (pictures are on the 2 girls in love blog... I'll post some when I get back) and that was amazing. Today I had a lunch meeting at the Canadian HQ of the company I work for. It was so nice to meet some of the people I talk to on the phone on a daily basis. It's all about networking... who knows, maybe one day I'll work at that office.

Stacey and Angele's little girl, Riley, is beyond adorable. She's in front of me right now going crazy in her jumperoo. She loves that thing. Whoever designed that thing is brilliant and should win a Nobel Peace prize for giving parents some peace & quiet.

My favourite quote from this trip so far, "I'm so thirsty, I would drink your saliva right now if I could." - Stacey, after I asked her if she wanted some of my raspberry white tea when we got back to the car at Niagara Falls

Today I'm grateful for:

* Relaxation
* All of the fun I'm having on this trip
* The great work lunch that was worth the drive
* The fact that the trip is only half over. Yay!!!
* Jen posting on her blog *again*

Monday, June 18, 2007

But this *is* my happy face...

Well, this day was going downhill fast once a thought occurred to me:

'She doesn't even know I'm going to Toronto. She won't be driving me to the airport tomorrow. She won't be there to pick me up like the past three trips I've taken. I don't have her to come home to in a week...'

Holy cow, did that knock me on my ass. I got so emotional I could barely finish my day at work. And worse yet, I had an appointment after work, so I was nearly in tears by the time my super nice chiropractor asked me how I was. And then, on the drive home, the tears came... and when I got home I had a big ol' cry. And then I decided that I should call Stacey to confirm the pick-up arrangements tomorrow. In 15 minutes I felt a lot better. I think that probably says a lot about how great the next week will be. Thank god for friends!!!!! Between that call and my message fest with the ex-wife (bit in groover) on Facebook, I don't feel nearly as sad as I did when I got home today. : )

I am suddenly re-addicted to Xena fanfic. I haven't finished packing because I can't stop reading this freakin' fic. Ah well, at least it's passing the time. I printed off a story to read on the plane tomorrow that's over 50 pages. That ought to keep me occupied for one of the four hours in the air.

Today I'm grateful for:

* My friends who are awesome with helping me out when I really need them
* My family
* My trip! (See? I'm excited now, Stace! lol...)
* My co-workers who left me alone today so I could get all my last minute stuff done
* My iPod!
* My laptop (that I sadly cannot bring with me on my trip)
* My ability to be happy sometimes now, even though I'm hurting so bad it's hard to breathe at times.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Day 3 of 3 hell-ish days...

Oh my goodness, I am going insane this morning. I went out for breakfast with my sister and parents for Father's Day earlier, and now I'm sitting at home going stir crazy. I think this is honestly the worst day I've had for missing her so far. It's probably because I was an idiot and text messaged her yesterday afternoon... that kind of burst my protective bubble. Now I just want to be with her so much it hurts.

I keep cycling through blogs and websites I frequent in hope of distracting myself for a while, but that's not working. I don't feel like sitting down and watching a movie. It's pouring rain outside so a walk is probably not the best idea. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should start packing for Toronto.

I bought four pairs of shorts yesterday (using a gift certificate I've had since Christmas) because I realized I only had one pair that fit me. It's weird, I have lots of clothes (well, enough to fill a closet and a dresser) but only one third of them fit me. I have sizes 12 - 18 in my wardrobe to cater to my fluctuating weight. I'm currently between a 14 and a 16 (they don't make a size 15, in case you're wondering why I don't just say '15'...), so about half of my wardrobe is too baggy and half of it is a little snug. All the more motivation to lose some more weight. I've lost 10 lbs in the past three weeks and must have lost some inches as well because a pair of pants that were too snug for me last month now fit perfect.

Anyway, I should start packing for Toronto. Yeah, I mentioned it already, but I'm trying to psych myself up for it. I hate packing. I normally pack the morning I'm leaving. It's one of those weird things...especially considering that I'm a person who thrives on organization. Hm... maybe baby steps instead. First, I'll go pick out the suitcase I want to bring...looks like I'll be borrowing my sister's ugly olive green suitcase again because my nice black suitcase was stolen out of my grandparents' garage last year.

Alright, here are some pictures of the yard with more flowers and the new addition of the hot tub on the back deck. I'll put up another pic when people are actually in it...

Here is a picture from the front door:

No more tulips around the tree:

The front walk:

Front yard as a whole:


This little sign on a metal stake makes me laugh smile every time I see it:

Today I'm grateful for:

* My dad
* My iPod
* That I haven't run out of dvd's to watch
* That I didn't text message her back when she replied

Saturday, June 16, 2007

And I was doing so well...

I text messaged her.


I had gone almost two weeks now...


Day 2 of 3 hell-ish days...

Okay, I feel a tiny bit better than yesterday. I'm sipping on my Tim Horton's coffee, trying to decide what to do for the day. I know I need to go shopping, but that involved actually looking presentable... so that can wait until later because the stores don't open until what, 9 or 10 on a Saturday? I don't know. All I know is that it's going to be freakin' packed where I want to go. Whomever designed that shopping area should be shot to death.

I've lost 10 lbs in the past two weeks. I got back on the 'healthy eating' wagon last week and that's helped.... although I really haven't felt like eating anything anyway.

I don't like how I have to take my work laptop on vacation, meaning I have to leave my personal one at home because it's crazy to haul two around. The next time I purchase a laptop, I swear, the only thing I'm going to be concerned about is the weight. This Dell that I have is so fucking heavy... it's ridiculous. It probably doesn't help that it has a 17" screen... but still...

I'm still reading the book I picked up last week, It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken... basically it's telling me that I should be moving on far away from her and the relationship we had. Not quite there (read: even close) at this point...

Friday, June 15, 2007

Day 1 of 3 hell-ish days...

This weekend is pride here... fuck. I think I've taken some more backward steps today. I'm trying to distract myself in various ways (overtime at work, dvd's, shopping, pogo, more work, exercise, etc.) but all I'm doing is exhausting myself in the process. I still feel it all while I'm doing whatever task. I didn't feel like this until Monday... it's been downhill from there.

I'm supposed to be preparing for my trip next week, but it's hard to gather enough thoughts together to take action on anything. I forced myself to get a ton of work stuff out of the way for next week, but personal stuff... um... I'll need to focus tomorrow to see what I need to pack or more than likely where I need to go for hot weather stuff. Of course by the time I get to Toronto, the weather we're currently having will be there, so that'll be pointless... but gotta be prepared anyway.

This morning, my foot was cut with a piece of broken glass that was laying on the carpet in my bedroom. Apparently something was broken outside of my bedroom and it flew in there. I didn't know how practically impossible it is to put band-aids on the outer side of the foot because we don't bend that way (unless super talented) so you can't see exactly where you're putting it. I was almost late for work because of that.

Tonight, I went to pour myself the last of the Merlot and realized for the billionth time that our wine glasses suck. They are probably 30 years old and are weird patterns and shapes. Ugly as hell. I went to Home Sense and got six for $17. Not bad. They look really nice. Four are for white wine and two are for red. Now I can have that glass of Merlot...

My dentist appointment from the other day went well. I love my dentist... she's so awesome. She corrected my bite on the side that was killing me and now it's almost completely loosened up. I have to wait until July 3rd to get the other side adjusted because I realize now that the left side is taking a lot of weight and is starting to get sore and my jaw tense. Oh well... at least there are no cracked teeth, etc.

Well, time to find something else to do to occupy the time before bed. I bet *she* is out at one of the pride functions tonight with her friends.... sigh...

Today I'm grateful for:

* Overtime
* Friends
* Family
* A regular paycheque
* Upcoming vacation
* Sleeping in tomorrow morning

Thursday, June 14, 2007

A few steps backward

I hurt so bad, my chest actually aches. I can't take this anymore. :(

I don't understand why finding out she got highlights yesterday bothers me so much. Maybe the fact that I've always wanted her to... she waits until now to do it. She also told my sister to say 'hi' to me. I sent a 'hi' back through my sister.

Fuck. This. Hurts.

This weekend is Pride here... what a nightmare of a weekend this is going to be.

I want her back so much...

I wish I could run over the girl who ran her into the boards during that ball hockey game. Better yet, I wish I could subject her to the emotional pain I'm feeling right now.

I wish I could subject HER to my emotional pain right now. Because honestly, I have enough to share... and I don't think she has enough right now.

I hate this so much. My 5 day streak of not crying may be broken tonight...

I'm skipping the gratitude part today. I just can't fucking do it. I have other stuff to talk about too, but fuck it... maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

What day is it???

I don't know what's wrong with me this week... I can't remember if it's Tuesday or Wednesday or what. I couldn't believe when I looked at my Outlook calendar at work and saw that I'm leaving on vacation in a WEEK. Holy fuck... I need to snap out of it and make sure I'm ready for next week. I'll start that... um, tomorrow.

My toothache is worse today. I spent most of the day holding the right side of my face with my hand because it made it feel a little better. Advil isn't helping at all. I called my dentist in hope of getting an appointment before I leave for Toronto (or as we Westerners pronounce it, 'Tor-awn-o' because we absolutely cannot ever manage to pronounce a 't' in the middle of a word and don't even go there with the double 't's in the middle of the word... that's impossible. Hell, I can't even pronounce 'Calgary' or 'Edmonton' correctly either. They come out 'Calgry' and 'Edmintin'. Okay, I think I've gone off on a tangent here...). My dentist is always super booked and getting an appointment in the same month you're actually making the appointment is damn near impossible. She's super nice though, so the wait is worth it. Anyway, the receptionist asked me if I'd want to come in tomorrow at 4:30 pm. I just blurted out, "What? Are you serious?" and she was like, "I know! I can't believe it either! I have no idea why that's open. It must have been waiting just for you." Holy cow... I haven't been this excited about a dentist appointment since that time my tooth broke in half while eating a french fry. Anyway, I'm hoping it's not TOO serious and I won't need an expensive root canal followed by an even more expensive and not fully covered crown. Goddamn teeth...*grumble*

Kellogg's sent me a letter and two free product coupons for anything they make. Well hell, if it's for anything they make, I'm not going to waste them on $3 boxes of the All Bran bars that I originally called them about to complain about them all being open on one side. I'll buy cereal instead, because cereal is about $25 a box now. It's funny though... The Kellogg's customer service people must not have call display. I called their toll free number from work while I was on break. I won't say where I work, but I bet if they had call display, they wouldn't have trusted my genuine customer complaint and I wouldn't have coupons right now.

I thought a lot about 'her' today. I talked to one of my friends about it today, deciding what, if any, significance there was to her text messaging my sister yesterday. I feel a little stirred up by it but I don't think it's really throwing me in any particular direction. I definitely do not have any hopes up, that's for sure. Having hopes only breaks your heart over again in the end (except in the 1 in a trillion times where the relationship does work out, etc., etc.) If anything, it's made me realize that she will probably never want to re-start. It also makes me realize that, although our situation is unique in a way, if she can put our relationship on (probably permanent) hiatus without feeling like dying inside, then it's probably not worth it. That just kills me because I want it back so bad. Of course I have no idea what she's feeling inside right now. For all I know, she *is* dying inside. I'm just saying... y'know... basically I'm toughening up. The bricks and mortar have arrived and the walls are being constructed.

Sigh... I miss her.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Self help books
* My miraculous dentist appointment
* My bottle of merlot
* Having fallen asleep two nights in a row without taking a sleeping pill (although it took until 11 or 12 to fall asleep, but still... progress)
* Jen for updating her blog six whole times this month! Woo! I'm hoping it helps her, even just a little...

Monday, June 11, 2007

Rollercoaster of a day...

I have a horrible phobia of lady bugs. Ever since I was around 5 or 6 years old, I've freaked when faced with one. So, naturally, my mother likes to have fun with that. Over the years, she's bought me lady bug bookmarks and cards and points out a lady bug whenever she sees one. I had no idea lady bugs could be purchased in a bag with a plastic window in it. Today, I heard "Show Jen, show Jen.." in the hallway and out of the corner of my eye I could see a picture of a lady bug on what I thought was a card. Nope. They turned it around right in front of my face and there under the little plastic window were about 30 lady bugs. I immediately shrieked and practically fell over the bed trying to get away from 'em. Gotta love family...

My sister told me she received a text message from...um, her today. I still can't use the term I should yet. Anyway, she asked my sister how I was doing. She said she didn't want to phone me and upset me and asked my sister to not tell me that she was asking. My sister didn't know how to answer so she told her that she'd talk to me tonight to see how I am. I thought about it for about an hour and a half tonight before I told her what she could disclose. I don't really know how to feel about that. I wasn't surprised that she text messaged my sister, but I thought she'd be saying 'happy birthday' instead of asking about me. I know she cares about me and I am happy that she reached out to my sister (especially because I'm nowhere near close to being able to talk to her without breaking down) but it just really hurts. I know the reason why we're not together right now but I find myself unable to be angry at her. I'm frustrated and devastated but more at the situation than her. We're not broken up because she cheated on me or doesn't love me but I think those scenarios would hurt less. At least then I could be angry and hate her and channel some of these emotions into that instead of having them seep out little by little.

As I told a friend the other day, I feel like I'm two people right now. One has slowly begun to move on and little by little enjoy life again. The other has not moved on a second past that last conversation. I fluctuate between the two like a broken switch. I want nothing more than to be with her, but I know we can't be right now. I'm about 90% sure that she won't reach out to me when that time comes, so I'm feeling especially hopeless these days. Last night I had a dream that I met and hooked up with Lucy Lawless (heh, too much Xena viewing lately)... but I remember being sad even in the dream because I didn't want to be with LL... I wanted to be with her. How sad is that? I should probably be kicked out of the lesbian club for admitting such a thing.

Oh yeah, and I think my grandmother is on crack in regards to the cat using the toilet thing.

Here are some pictures of my sister's birthday:

Chantel with our grandmother

Dad pretending he can't stand Chantel

Chantel posing with her cake

Chantel causing the house to burn down

Chantel posing with poor Molly

Today I'm grateful for:

* My sister cutting the icing off of my piece of birthday cake. I hate icing unless it's cream cheese.
* Snuggles with my kitties, even though I'm now covered in cat hair. Bleah. Not used to that anymore.
* Finally settling the details of my vacation request at work. I always feel guilty for taking vacation even though I'm entitled to four weeks.
* Finding something I thought I had thrown out months ago that I was wishing I hadn't.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

What the...?

My grandmother phoned me this afternoon to tell me that my cat, Simon, has decided to teach himself how to use the toilet. What the hell?!?!

I think I have a toothache. I've had sharp pains all day, but I don't know which tooth it is, only that it's on the right side. I really really really REALLY hope I don't have a cracked tooth or something. That'll fuck me over financially right before my vacation. Dammit... that always seems to happen. Please let it not happen this month.

I can't believe it's after 9 pm already. The sun is still up here and it'll be light until near midnight. In the few weeks it won't be completely dark here at night... it'll just be a dark grey. A nice perk on the weekend, living so far North, but a pain in the ass during the week when trying to fall asleep at a decent hour. It is kind of easier to wake up in the morning though, when the sun rises before 5 am.

Today I'm grateful for:

* The distraction that is Xena subtext
* A new Jeffery Deaver book in paperback
* Upcoming vacation
* A home
* A job
* My family
* My friends

The Weekend

The weekend is especially hard to get through these days. That was the time we spent together... and now that we don't see each other... sigh...

It is nice to sleep in a little bit, although I wake up still and sore from the extra sleep.

I just spent 15 minutes waiting in line at Tim Horton's to get a coffee and a blueberry-cranberry bran muffin. The coffee is so hot that 15 minutes after, I still can't bring the cup up to my mouth. I think I'm going to have to break down and pour it into a mug. And, now that I have, I see that it's not up to the usual standard today. It tastes watery and bland and only slightly better than the instant coffee I have in the pantry. Figures...

This blog is too depressing. I know it's my online journal and right now I'm going through a hard time, but it's probably no fun for anyone to read. I apologize for that.

Yesterday I went to the theatre to see Ocean's Thirteen for the first time and Knocked Up for the second. Thirteen was better than Twelve in my opinion. And of course Knocked Up is still really good, although this time it also made me a bit sad. It'll definitely be a DVD buy when it comes out.

I'm working my way through the 10th Anniversary Xena collection. I think I have about 10 more eps to watch. The set has 16 in total, all of them voted as fan favourites. As you can imagine, they are the ones with the most subtext between Xena and Gabrielle. Add to that the interviews about each ep and it makes for good viewing. I still can't believe how hot Lucy Lawless is with her natural hair colour and accent in the interviews. Almost makes me want to watch Battlestar Gallactica sometime...

Tomorrow is my 'older younger' sister's 22nd birthday (note to self: Get gift later today or tomorrow after work!) I think that means the family is having dinner and cake at my grandparents' place. I'll get to see how little Molly is doing. I finally rescued a picture of her and Simon off of my old laptop. Simon is orange and looks like a huge blob in the first picture (believe it or not he's not overweight at all... he's just very long. He normally looks much better in pictures) and Molly is calico and small:

Thursday, June 7, 2007

On a happier note...

I've actually been in a great mood 95% of today. The 5% was not relationship related, so yay! Even when I was reminded of stuff, it left my mind without dwelling on it.

I kinda feel guilty about that though. I know it doesn't mean I'm any less upset about the fact that I'm not able to have her around anymore... I think I might be getting better at coping. But yeah, still hurts like a bitch when I stop to think about it.


I finally mailed away my passport renewal application thingy that has been sitting on my desk ready to go for FIVE months now. Jesus christ, I suck. I still have stuff to send to Stacey and another online friend from over a year ago... I think Stacey will be getting it in person later this month. The other friend, well, she probably hates me now, so I better get on that. Anyway, I hope I get it before I have to go on another business trip. I don't want to have to explain how I can't go because I was a dumbass and didn't mail it in when I was given the renewal forms back in November.

My best friend told me the other day that we HAVE to get tickets to see Bon Jovi next month in concert. Then today she tells me we're not going. It turns out that the cheapest tickets are something like $165!!! WTF??? Is Barbara Streisand opening or something??? Hell, we saw Elton John in concert in September for $150 a ticket but at least that lasted a long time and was absolutely amazing. I wasn't even a big Elton John fan before the concert but I sure am now. For 230 years old, the man sure has energy and loads of talent! Bon Jovi on the other hand, um... not worth the risk. My friend's like, "Yeah, well... I guess you're going to have to hear the story about the Slippery When Wet concert in Detroit another hundred times because this ain't happening." Every so often, when she gets drunk, she starts in on the story of her going across the border with a boyfriend and some friends to a Bon Jovi concert. She left her boyfriend at their seats and got right up to the stage. As a result, she lost where her friends and boyfriend were and had to find her way home to Winnipeg without any money or her I.D. because her boyfriend was carrying her stuff. We tease the hell out of her at that point... speculating on just how she managed to charm the border agent in the middle of the night... lol.

Oh, and Amazon sent me a reply to my flaming e-mail from yesterday. They said they'd send me a replacement copy but I purchased the last one they had in stock. Instead, they're offering to knock off 20% of the cost. I guess I can accept that, considering I was expecting nothing.

Well, time to watch some more TV on DVD...

Today I'm grateful for:

* Codeine
* My job
* My bed
* My surprisingly good mood today

Would you throw this face off of the bed?

See? He's so cute and innocent, which is why I had to pick him up off of the floor after a week's banishment off the side of the bed.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Drugs and monkeys and the warrior princess

Today was stress-o-rama at work. I think the headache I've had most of the day is finally subsiding. I'm finishing off the last of the beer in the fridge, left from... well, weekends when she would stay over. I took a sleeping pill about half an hour ago so hopefully I will be able to fall asleep before midnight, unlike last night or the night before when I was not able to take one. This not being able to sleep because I'm heartbroken and depressed is sucking big time.

I took my cell phone down off of the high shelf it's on right now to see if I had any messages. I do occasionally get calls or messages from other people so I thought I better make sure I'm not ignoring anyone while I refuse to carry my cell phone. That is the biggest reminder of the relationship... my cell phone. Text messages and phone calls... I now have a plan on my phone that I don't need. I can't even stand to look at it. It's high up where I cannot see it. I'm paying money to have it rest up there and get dusty. I'm not sure when I'll be able to carry it around in my purse again... or even have it down where I can see it. I know it probably won't be until I go to Toronto. Even then It'll probably be hard.

Speaking of hard things, another object I have a hard time looking at is the stuffed animal monkey that she gave me back in October. I had thrown it off the side of the bed that is near the wall so I didn't have to look at it. She gave it to me at the airport when I was leaving on a business trip for the first time in our relationship so I'd have something to snuggle up to while sleeping in a strange bed. We named him 'Benny' and he has a stuffed animal monkey of his own now, just like the Telus billboards, courtesy of my sister. He's the cutest little thing and soft as silk. Last night I decided to rescue him from the floor and put him back on the bed. It's not his fault this has happened.

I'm not one for stuffed animals but I do have a soft spot for monkeys. Her and I ended up with three between us... Benny which she gave me and then two at her place that I gave her (one in September and one in December that I found while on another business trip) One is Milo and the other is Sally. Milo has a nose with one nostril that looks like it's closed and Sally looks like a reject that either wasn't sewn straight or is lacking in sufficient stuffing. It seemed from day one that there were always monkeys showing up on TV or in the movies (one weekend early on we somehow ended up watching the first Pirates movie about ten times because her DVD has some weird continuous loop feature and we liked it enough to not be bothered to turn it off). We decided it was some sort of sign, so one day I gave her one and told her it followed me home from Wal-mart. We called 'em our kids and would jokingly prop them up to watch TV or turn their heads if we were making out. Stupid, I know... but it was fun. Sally worked for UPS and Milo and Benny were gigolos to help pay for the expensive knee brace she had to get last month.

Anyway... I think the sleeping pill has kicked in now. Yay... no more ramble about stuffed animals.

I received the Xena 10th Anniversary set in the mail today. It was all dented and scratched to hell, but I somehow didn't notice until *after* I removed the plastic. Dumbass. I sent Amazon a flaming e-mail letting them know how angry I am about the condition it arrived in. I know nothing will happen, but it made me feel better. I watched three episodes so far but have not gotten to one of my all-time favourite episodes, 'Been There Done That'. Xena ends up repeating the day over and over again ala Groundhog Day.It has my favourite Xena quote ever... she runs into Gabrielle and Joxer and is so sick of hearing the same questions from them over and over again because at that point she's repeated the day quite a few times. All she does is look at 'em and say, "No, no, yes, no... I tried that... yes, *both* ways. No, I don't know... No *again*. Are there any more questions? Good." and walks away. : ) Yeah, I'm easily amused by such things.

Today I'm grateful for:

* The ability to swallow
* Sleeping pills working!
* The end of a stressful day
* The Wok Box take-out menu
* Not crying today. Yay!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

An unwelcome distraction

I think I have something stuck in my esophagus. I've had that feeling since I arrived at work this morning. I took a couple of pills with a big glass of water but I guess one (or all of them) got stuck along the way. Nothing I drink or eat seems to help it. Actually, eating just makes it worse... like it's sitting on top of the pill that's stuck. Fuck, it hurts. I just drank a cup of hot tea in hope that it'll dissolve a little. No luck yet, but I hope it eases up in the next hour.... I don't want to have to go to the hospital for something this stupid.

I've also been trying to remove a bowl of alphabet soup from the off-white carpet in my bedroom. It doesn't want to come out though... looks like it's stained for good. At least I wasn't the one who did it! I don't understand how this doesn't come out and yet the cherry cough syrup that I dumped all over the carpet when I was deliriously ill last August came out after a solid effort. Weird...

It's finally cooling down, at least for the night. It's been ridiculously hot here for the past week and a half. Finally some rain!! I think I'm going to go for a short walk in a bit. Nothing like fresh rain smell outside. :)

Last night I decided to try falling asleep without a sleeping aid for the first time in two weeks. Yeah, that sucked. I think the last time I looked at the clock, it was 2:30 am. Of course with stuff stuck in my throat right now, I will be going without the sleeping aid tonight as well. I feel a long night ahead of me...

I finished Season 2 of The Closer last night. I was going to start Season 1 of Criminal Minds tonight, but I haven't decided if I want to watch that or an actual movie. This needing to be distracted constantly sucks. I miss my girlfriend and our relationship. :( I need to snap out of this sometime soon though because I can't stand the mess I've let accumulate in my bedroom. I'm a very neat person, but since last Saturday... yeah, I haven't done a damn thing to keep anything in order. My folded laundry is in a pile on the floor, next to a pile of jackets and my purse, next to the huge tangle which is my old laptop, the power cord to my current laptop and various other gadgets. My desk is messed up but I haven't been sitting at it. I've been either propped up in bed using my laptop or at the dining room table. Oh, there's also the pile of amazon cardboard packaging and other bubble envelopes from the stuff I've purchased online in the past few weeks (more to come at the end of the week... must stop doing that) to entertain myself. I know cleaning it all up could be a method of entertainment....but I don't feel like it. I read somewhere that to start healing a broken heart you should treat yourself like you're ill for a while. That makes sense. When you have the flu or something, you put off all sorts of stuff and indulge in whatever you feel like at the time in order to make yourself feel as comfortable as possible. That's pretty much how it is right now. I just need to not spend anymore money on DVDs now and it'll be all good. I also need to stop eating junk... damn diet got lost yesterday and haven't been found since. I knew that was going to happen....

Today I'm grateful for:

* My friends in various locations
* The long hug my youngest sister gave me on Sunday
* A/C in my office
* The respect I get from those who count at work
* Not completely falling to pieces... yet.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

I take that back...

Well, I had an hour-long phone conversation with her this morning. I didn't realize things could get worse, but they did. About the only good thing that came out of that conversation (and I use the term loosely... there was a lot of silence and 10 minute long sentences because it's hard to speak words all together when sobbing) was more insight as to why she's treating me the way she is. Oh, and I got to say the things I forgot to say last weekend (big deal, like any of it helped). I won't go into details because it just hurts too much and because I doubt anyone of this Earth would understand the logic (I know I don't completely).

I told her that she knows where I am and what I feel and where I stand. I told her, when the time comes where she's on the other side of this huge obstacle in her life, to not be stubborn or cowardly. I think the 'I love you's and 'goodbyes' after that can be measured in only one way:

Imagine being punched in the face really hard repeatedly, and then kicked in the abdomen so hard you cannot do anything but fall to the ground in agony.

Then imagine a car running over you in slow motion. Unfortunately, you do not pass out and you do not die. You're just broken beyond repair.

And then... imagine your body being thrown into the middle of the ocean where you slowly sink to the bottom because you're too broken to swim to the top and you cannot breathe... and you see daylight above you slowly get dimmer with each second you sink... but you don't die. You just feel the excruciating pain and unfairness of it all and you don't understand any of it in the least. It's like you were blindsided by it... in fact, you were!! You think, 'I haven't done anything to anyone to deserve this! All I ever did was love and respect and give understanding... shouldn't that be enough?' You realize it doesn't matter now, because there's nothing you can do at this point to change any of it, regardless of how unfair and irrational it is.

That's how saying goodbye felt.

Yeah, I know there are some people reading this who are thinking, 'Oh, for the love of god... it's not that bad. You have a broken heart... you'll get over it.' Actually, that's almost word for word what my father told me yesterday. And yeah, that's true, I will get over it eventually... but that won't be for a very long time. This isn't something that a plaster cast, a billion stitches, a prescription drug or a breakthrough surgery can heal for me. Only time and experience can. What a raw deal us (well, 99% of us at least... can't exactly count the psychopaths) humans have... we have to feel everything. Great for keeping society in check and awesome when everything is going well in life... but debilitating when it's not.

Hm... well, I think I'm going to head over to Wal-mart to pick up a CSI DVD and maybe some other TV Show. I need mega distraction. I got Season 2 of The Closer in the mail the other day and started watching it on Friday. It's only 13 episodes, so I'll be finished that today. I don't know which other shows I'd want to start watching. I have never watched House or Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives or much of Lost. I've never watch Law & Order or any of it's spin-offs. I don't know what to gamble on.

Today I'm grateful for: (picture me snorting as I type this)

* The second season of The Closer, which is AWESOME.
* My friends, even if they're all sick of me right now and can only listen as I say the same things over and over again.
* Central A/C in the house when it's 30 C outside in the shade.
* My work ethic, the only thing keeping me going to work right now.
* Somehow still managing to sort of stick to my diet and not gaining any more weight.

I'm also really proud of Wendi who just graduated from UCLA as a doctor. The journey through med school was definitely not easy for her and I know she faced many challenges and endured a lot of stress (and some self-doubt) along the way. I, and I'm sure everyone else who cares about her, always told her that she could get through med school and do it well... and she has. I'm very proud of her for not giving up on herself when the going got extremely tough. I'm sure residency is not going to be loads easier by any means, but I know she'll kick ass at that as she did through med school. She deserves all of the future success I know will go her way.