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Saturday, August 25, 2012

Family

Sometimes I feel like an alien when I visit my family.  Like I'm from somewhere completely foreign with different beliefs, a different personality and a different outlook on life.

I haven't always felt this way, only since I moved far enough away from them to really take notice.

Jules has always been taken aback by my family and I cannot even count the number of arguments we've had about my family members.  As much as I agree with her on the majority of issues, they still are my family and I am a loyal person so I spend a lot of time feeling guilty and torn.

So, what is it about my family?


  • They swear a ridiculous amount.  Now, I'm not exactly innocent of this myself but my goodness, I don't have to fit it in to every conversation I have.  I'm able to censor myself in social situations and I'm able to have tough discussions without throwing in the f-word several times.  My father and my youngest sister, on the other hand, seem incapable of speaking English without liberal use of various swear words.  My mother is pretty bad too but she does seem to have the ability to censor herself in public.
  • They are loud.  I don't know if it's because there used to be five of us in a small house all trying to be heard but my goodness, I go crazy trying to visit when my youngest sister and mom are trying to tell a story, etc.  And the arguing... oh my goodness, tempers flare very fast in my family.
  • My dad is disrespectful of other cultures and uses derogatory terms.  I cringe when I hear my dad use the word 'retard' or a derogatory name for someone of a different ethnicity from us.  I can see this has rubbed off on my youngest sister, who I think also gets this behaviour from the construction site she works at. :(
  • They feel entitled.  This is, again, my mom and youngest sister as well as my mom's sister.  They work hard at their jobs but they are very lazy at home and complain a lot about what they haven't received or what they think they deserve.  My mom's sister is 57 years old and lives in her parents basement rent free.  She treats my grandparents like they are small children.  The other day she demanded I add her back on as a Facebook friend (I defriended her back in April for a very distasteful comment she made on one of my posts) because she needs to know what's going on with me now that she's going to be a great-aunt.
  • They just don't understand how to think before speaking sometimes.  Especially on Facebook.  This is specifically my youngest sister and my mom's sister as mentioned in the point above.  Re-posting utter garbage with profanity and rude images is just so trashy.  Hijacking someone's post about something is also downright rude, as is making a snide comments that are anything but clever.
There are other things that make me wonder how I share the same DNA as some of them, but I'm too tired (or perhaps disheartened) to list more.  Five or six years ago, I would not have really felt this way because although I tried to avoid my family and stick to myself for the most part, I still did live with some family so I was still 'in it' on a daily or weekly basis.  But now that I've been away from it for years and am in the process of starting a family of my own, I feel a little overwhelmed by what to do once we have the baby.  How do I expose my daughter to this behaviour?  How do I limit her exposure to this without hurting the feelings of my family?  

I really wish Jules' family wasn't all the way across the ocean.  Her parents are such wonderful role models as is the rest of her family.  I wish our daughter could have Jules' parents to visit on a regular basis to know as role models.  

Growing up, I thought my parents were decent (never had curfew, never got grounded, never had to speak to a C on my report card) but it wasn't until I became an adult and now on the verge of motherhood that I realized that what I really ended up with was half-assed parents (see, I can swear too).  I was never taught to say 'please' and 'thank you'.  I learned that on my own as I went through life and now try to teach my family how to do it.  I never had to speak to a poor report card because they never wanted to look at it!  They never wanted to go to a school play and they refused to go to parent/teacher night. I was never asked if I had homework, they just assumed I did it.  My sisters and I never had the structure most kids grow up with.  As an eight year old, my parents just assumed I'd come home for lunch each school day to an empty house and make myself something for lunch.  Never showing me how to make anything, I taught myself how to use the microwave, the stove and the popcorn maker.  I ate a lot of popcorn and microwaved Mr. Noodles for lunch.  I only started a fire on the stove once, I think.

I could honestly go on and on but now I'm even questioning posting this for the five people who read this blog.  Nobody has a perfect family, everyone has family members they wish they could vote off the island, etc.  It's just that sometimes it is harder to take than others, and tonight was one of those times.  And with a new person coming into this family next year, I get worried thinking that it is eventually going to affect/rub off on her too.

3 comments:

Yvette said...

I think the most important thing to remember is that you actually see how they act and you don't want yourself or your kids to act like that. Being able to see them from a distance like that will help you remember that's not what you want for your family. I agree, it will be challenging to have your little one around them, but i think you guys will be ok with the good example that you have already set :-)

Stacey said...

OMG I posted on my stupid blackberry yesterday and none of my comments are showing up. ugh. here I go again.

Our fights have always been about family. It's really, really hard. I think everyone feels that way when they move away from their family and time changes things. I cut out some people from my family who were toxic and honestly, it's been much better. I've also had a lot of discussions with my family about behaviour/expectations/etc. and things were so much better after that. You can say to them that you don't want that kind of language around the kids or those racist jokes/comments. If they don't abide, you will go home with your child and give them some distance before you see them again. It's your child, your rules. Really. I mean, it's not like you're being unreasonable with not wanting your kid around that stuff. They can act all hurt or make comments about you keeping them from their grandkid/niece but who cares? They will grow up and realize that it's not about hurting them but about protecting your daughter.

And congrats for having a girl. Girls really are awesome. And in the early days, much easier. I expect the teen years to be a bit moody and crazy though. ;) Hehehe.

Shannon said...

Family is so hard, and it gets harder when you're in a relationship and harder still when a baby comes along. Most of our arguments are about family too (as Stacey said.) My advice would be to talk to your family and explain to them that you don't want that kind of language around your kid. It doesn't matter so much when they're babies but by the time they're a year old, it's not appropriate. There will always be things that come up. Like this week, Kim's dad let Ian watch Star Wars and yesterday he let Erik watch James Bond. James fucking Bond! Seriously! He's 5! So Kim had to tell him that wasn't an appropriate movie for a child. And I often have to speak to my dad about language. Then there's the constant junk food battle. My dad gave Erik a 700 ml bottle of lime Crush and let him drink the entire thing in 10 minutes. Needless to say, Erik got sick and my parents and I had a little chat. :)

On the other hand, your family may surprise you and be amazing with your daughter. That happens too. Give them a chance but speak to them if you need to. You get to make the rules.