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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Worst day yet

This has been the worst day yet as far as sadness, hopelessness and frustration are concerned. It was such a struggle to finish the work day. I'm just so upset...

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Facebook Scares Me

Okay, Facebook is starting to scare me. I haven't even filled out my profile yet except to put up a picture and I have all these people from my past asking to be my friend on there. It's bringing back memories I had forgotten and don't really want to remember. I hated most of Elementary and Jr. High school... why in the hell would I want to be friends with these people now? Add to that my work colleagues on there and it's a little nerve-wracking. None of them know I'm gay. Although, I'm sure if they look at my friends list and see that most of 'em are gay they'd probably figure it out.

Today is my... um... the person I'm in love with's birthday. I dropped off her birthday gifts after work and stayed to watch Oprah. It went better than I thought it would... she actually made a little small talk. She enjoyed the gifts a lot but told me I didn't have to get her anything (um.. yeah, like I'd just not get her anything). I asked her if she wanted me to order something for dinner, but she said she was going to finish her leftovers in the fridge and then test out her mega-expensive knee brace in the park to see if she could run with it. Hopefully that went well. I'm sure she'd be happier if she could run. So, overall it was okay but still heartbreaking.

Sigh... it's so fucking hard...

Anyway, I took Molly to the vet. The vet thinks she may be a little constipated... gave her some kind of antibiotic shot and told me to get her to try to eat chicken baby food. I'm not sure if she's actually eaten any, I'll have to phone my grandmother to ask. She was sooooo terrified in the car because she hasn't left the house in a couple of years and when we came back she hid under the couch but I went and got her out and cuddled with her under a blanket until she *finally* relaxed and started purring. She's so darn cute. My other cat, Simon, still has bathroom issues.... he still goes in certain areas of the house. It has to be behavioural or something. My grandmother doesn't seem to mind cleaning up after him though... so he still has a home. I used to live over there, but moved out a year ago...

I haven't been walking in days.... haven't done anything related to exercise in days. Still eating pretty well though, so that's something. I'm just finding it really hard to motivate myself to do anything right now. I don't even want to lay in bed and mope... I wish the body came with a power switch so I could just turn myself off for a while. I can't sleep at night... I lay there until 1, 2 or 3 in the morning thinking about how much my personal life sucks right now. And then when I'm done with that for a few minutes, I think about the things at work that suck.

I want my girlfriend back from five months ago. :(

Today I'm grateful for:

* My limbs (if you watched Oprah, you'll know what I'm talking about)
* Season 2 of The Closer that came in the mail today
* My best friend for giving me a pep talk at lunch time when I was feeling especially low
* My work ethic... basically the only thing keeping me going at work right now when I can barely crawl out of bed in the morning and have other things on my mind while I'm sitting at my desk.

Monday, May 28, 2007


Today I spent most of my work day moving my stuff up to a new office. Everyone seems excited for my move but I'm not really in the mood for more change. I'm going to miss my cramped office with my co-worker who might as well be my male twin... especially right now when I need support.

Right now I'm watching one of my favourite shows, 'How Clean Is Your House?' Heh... I can't believe how disgusting people can be. The guy they're cleaning for today has about thirty cans of dog food open on the counter with maggots all over it. His living room looks like a dumpster... and the bathroom...ugh. He sleeps in a rotting sleeping bag on a mouldy mattress, yet the guy is dressed very neat in a suit and looks like he'd be a total neat freak. He's lived there for nine years and has only cleaned once. Hm... I can't figure out why he doesn't have a girlfriend.

Then again, I don't have one either anymore. I'm very neat though. I have that going for me, at least...

I'm proud of myself. I only cried once today...

My aunt phoned me tonight to tell me that something is wrong with one of my cats. My little calico kitty, Molly, is not eating and is crying when she's in the litter box. She's going to make an appointment for me for sometime this week so I can take her in (She's calling because I know I'll forget to). Man... when it rains, it pours. Molly is soooooooo adorable and social. She's just a tiny cat and yet she has a meow that would better suit a big tabby. I go over and visit her and I'll lay down on the bed and she'll come lay on me or curl up under the blanket next to me. I sure hope there's not anything more serious than constipation or something... cuz I don't think I could take it if it's bad. Sigh... I guess we'll see when I pay hundreds of dollars at the vet later this week.

Today I'm grateful for:

* My family
* My friends
* Mindless T.V.
* Sleeping pills
* My upcoming trip to Toronto

Sunday, May 27, 2007

I'm so upset, it hurts to breathe...

It hurts to look at anything or think of anything...

It hurts to sit here and do nothing...

It hurts driving in my car...

It hurts to look outside and see it's a gorgeous day...

It hurts to lay in bed...

It hurts to watch T.V...

It hurts to work...

It hurts to think of some way to get through the next hour...

It hurts to know that I can't do anything to change it...

It hurts to think about the line between strong and stupid...

It hurts to know that I was apparently not worth fighting for...

It hurts to be generous and loving and to have this happen...

It just fucking hurts.


My relationship...

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Is it the weekend? I hadn't noticed...

Things I'm happy about:
  1. I bought an iPod Nano on Thursday so I have music to listen to while I walk.
  2. I got 9 hours of sleep last night courtesy of a sleeping pill.
  3. My vacation time was approved by my boss. I will still be doing a bit of daily work, but it will put my mind at ease knowing there are not major issues.
  4. Finally getting the pump on my exercise ball to work again.

Things I'm not happy about:

  1. My girlfriend.
  2. My relationship being pretty much over.
  3. The amount of pain I feel because of all of this. I honestly didn't expect to have my heart broken twice in three years.
  4. My lack of strength. I used to be tough... this shit didn't bother me...

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Yard Pictures

I don't really have anything good to say today, so instead I thought I'd take a picture of the view off of the back deck (the little lake across the street in the park actually wraps all the way around the left side of the neighbourhood) and of the tulips around the tree in the front yard. The yard is still pretty bare with new grass and curbing (makes the side of the house look like a fairway...) and very little planting done so far. It's coming along though. It's really frickin' sunny outside so some of 'em have a bit of a glare.

Today I'm grateful for (this is getting a little hard lately...):

* A weekly paycheque
* My home
* Quiet time from 4-5:30 pm
* Spa services

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Personal Day

Well, I had to use up my last personal day today for work. I finally fell asleep this morning at 4 am, giving me an hour and a half worth of sleep before the alarm went off at 5:30. Normally, I could suck it up and get through the work day, but not after only getting three hours on Monday night. I seem to be stuck with some insomnia at the worst time. This week is fiscal year end in my world... tomorrow and Friday are the most stressful and busiest in my department. If I can't get sleep... it's going to be absolute hell. I'm definitely going to be drugging myself tonight.

I went out and bought myself a new pillow this afternoon. It's a feather pillow because I can't seem to get used to synthetic filed variety. The packaging says it's hypoallergenic, which I found amusing. What if you're allergic to feathers? Anyway, I hope it helps in some tiny way. I also washed all of my bedding, using the lavender fabric softener.

I'm watching more BtVS today. Stuck in season 3 at the moment: Doppelgangland, Enemies, Earshot, Choices, The Prom and Graduation Day part 1 & 2. I miss this show being on the air...

Today I'm grateful for:

* Having saved a personal day for a day like this
* The distraction that is Buffy
* A day alone

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Muddling through...

I'm so frustrated and impatient and angry and tired and sad and... I don't know, probably many other things. I'm being worn down little by little and I'm wondering how much more I can take of this heartache.

This morning, I was fine. In the afternoon, I started having frustrated, angry thoughts again. By the time I got home at 5:30, I was depressed again. Fuck! I'm so sick of this. Why can't I be stronger than this?? Why can't I just step back and focus on myself? I don't even know how to do that... focus on myself. Or maybe that's what I'm already doing without realizing it? I'm focused on my feelings and my wants and needs and I'm not thinking about the other side of it. Perhaps that is my problem. I can't get anything to change by just wishing I could get the attention I want.

It has to change with her first.

I can't do anything to move that change along. It's out of my hands and it's agony because I can't stand not being able to fix something or do something or help in some way.

How do I step back? I can't even do that for a day. It hurts too much. I also have an underlying fear that I'll lose her if I back away for a period of time. I know she won't be figuring things out any time soon because she refuses to try (in my opinion, anyway), but I suppose it's still a new thing... so it would be an extended period. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I want to support her... but she's just punishing me and our relationship.

I know she cares for me. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to break up with me because she took me out with her family. I know she knows how badly she's been treating me and acknowledges that it is unfair and her fault. And god help me, I love her very much. I took my time falling for her last year because I wanted to be sure it would be worth it... and I guess this answers that. Despite this fucking excruciating heartache... I'm still in love with her.

Probably six months ago, we had a talk about fantasies we had... and neither of us came up with anything really good... mainly because we were pretty satisfied with what we had already. Well, I now have a fantasy... pretty simple really... I sent it to her in a text message. I told her it's what I want for the weekend. She didn't reply, though when I talked to her on the phone, she said she received it. We'll see this weekend.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Never being in trouble with the law
* Tomorrow being Wednesday already
* Overtime this week
* Um... I guess no backwards steps, although it's not like there have been many forward ones either.
* Not having completely ruined my diet this week, despite feeling depressed
* Friends conversing with me despite my being lame and depressed

Monday, May 21, 2007


Well... I was sleeping, for about 45 minutes tonight, but then the brain kicked into overdrive and I ended up waking up. I'm now semi-wide awake, wishing I could just fall back asleep again. I blame my relationship issues for this...

I watched some BtVS this evening. The first & second episode and then the last two episodes of the second season. Man... it's still heart wrenching to see Buffy kiss Angel goodbye and send him off to hell with a sword through the gut.

I find the first two seasons hard to watch in a way... they were still finding their groove then. It wasn't as sarcastic and witty, although they did try. It just always seems lame compared to seasons 3-7. By the end, the show had grit and a razor sharp edge to it. I sometimes consider subjecting my girlfriend to the series (she never saw any of it when it was on TV), but I don't think I'd manage to hold her interest through the first couple of seasons to the really good stuff.

Maybe I'll go pop in something Faith-ish to fall back asleep to... ha... like two leather-clad girls beating the crap out of each other will do that. Perhaps season four instead...

Victoria Day... for the Queen, not the Beckham...

It's nice having Monday off. I would wish to have every Monday off, but unfortunately that's my least busy day at work (despite the dread of them on Sundays), so instead, I wish to have Fridays off like I used to when I worked four 10 hr work days. I miss those days because I actually don't mind working long hours.

I just tried bribing my youngest sister into going to get lunch for me (the bribe being that she could use my car and I would buy her something too), but the little brat declined because she didn't 'feel like it'. Heh.. wait until she needs something... I won't 'feel like it' then. Childish, yes... but those are the rules of sisterhood...

My other younger sister (who never updates her blog it seems) printed off a poem for me to hang by my desk:

The Little Ship of Courage
by Don Beckman

I saw a little ship at sail
upon a wide, wide sea
and its courage as it sailed along
seemed awfully brave to me.

In usual terms it would be said
its urge was far too strong,
but when it reached the other shore,
it proved this theory wrong.

Which indicates there is no chore
we cannot fail to do,
if we but have the fighting will
to see our aim come true,

For though the challenges we face
are as a wide, wide sea,
when we meet them with full effort
full success will be achieved.

Nice, eh?

I had the craziest dreams last night. I thought I was both playing and trapped inside of a video game... and I was building a house, but it was like a mansion in the woods... and for some reason, the bedroom I was going to stay in had no walls and I was going to be sharing it with the next door neighbours. Ugh! What the hell?? And there was this monster... but I never saw it... we were just always watching for it. It was almost like The Village or something. So weird... I guess that's what happens when I take drugs to help me sleep. I did end up getting 10 hours worth of sleep (although I was busy in my dreams) though, so that's good.

I have absolutely no plans for the day, but I should maybe think about what key things I need to accomplish while visiting Stacey & Angele in Toronto next month. I know I do need to meet with some work colleagues (that's such a weird word to spell) for either lunch or dinner. I talk to these people daily regarding sales and marketing projects, so it'd be nice to meet them in person. I somehow slipped that I was thinking of going to T.O. next month and they totally went crazy. Isn't that insane? To think there are work people who got excited about meeting me. LMAO. Anyway, there's also work colleagues in Trenton who want to see me again (as do I.. it'd be cool to see them again and see what they produce), but that's a little further away and might be a bit of a challenge to get to. Hm... anyway, gotta think about the non-work things during that week!!!

Okay, must go get my own damn lunch and fill up my car. The price of gasoline this weekend? $1.24 per litre. Gotta love living in the province that has the oil.... fucking rip-off!!!!

Today I'm grateful for:

* Time
* Days off
* My health
* Cable TV (for the 2 hours I watch it a week... what a waste, lol... but it's there when I want it!!)
* Friends who can chat with me while they're at work (who will probably end up staying an extra five hours because of it.... yes, you know who you are. ;)
* Buffy/Tara fic. I'm also kinda craving some Xena/Gabrielle fic too...hm... must go look...

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sunday, always sucky...

Sunday always sucks, even on a long weekend. For me anyway... because there's always something sucky that happens. Today it's the return of my girlfriend's bad mood after two days of reprieve. Of course I can't really blame her... her parents went back North today after spending two days visiting and now she's getting a cold. She was going to stay the night, but decided she rather spend the night in her own bed, so she went home this afternoon after we saw Shrek The Third at the theatre. Poor girl... can't catch a break.

Yesterday was really busy... I went around town with her and her parents looking at RV's from 10 am - 5 pm. Exhausting but fun. Her parents are hilarious. I then went home to quickly shower and change into more formal clothes because we were going to her Uncle's place for his 50th birthday and then out to an Italian restaurant from there. It ended up being a very late night and we pretty much fell into bed exhausted around 2 am and slept until noon.

Tonight I ended up having to run to Wal-mart to pick up a new mouse for my laptop. My little Microsoft optical mouse suddenly died on me, so I picked up some lame-brand $20 optical mouse that is supposedly for gamers. It has three buttons by the thumb and one by the wheel in the middle that I have no use for, but the scrolling is so smooth on it. It feels great in the hand, which is all I care about. I'm very picky about my mice... at work, whenever we upgrade our computers, they always shake their head at me when I refuse to use the brand new mouse that the system comes with. I still use the one I bought myself from Staples when I first started. The newer ones feel weird to me.

Okay, well, I'm going to end this post before it gets even more boring...

Today I'm grateful for:

* Another day to sleep in
* A new (very cheap, but not cheap-looking) coat
* My sister (as always)
* No backwards steps

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Why must all good things come to an end???

No, I'm not talking about my relationship (yet), I'm referring to that stupid CW network cancelling Veronica Mars!!!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Otherwise, today was an alright day. Work sucked because of little tasks that ended up taking up most of my day, but no major crisis, so that's always good.

I have a co-worker at work who, for some reason, feels the need to pick on me. Not to my face, mind you, but she tries to get me in trouble with management any chance she can get. It's kind of sad actually, because I'm a very hard worker, rule-follower and a team player, so it would be extremely difficult to find something to get me in trouble for, but she tries. Yesterday, I heard through the grapevine that she told her manager that I took an extra long coffee break. Apparently she times my breaks or something. Anyway, she saw me leave the office for the break room, but she didn't know that I was meeting with two members of another department in the break room to resolve some minor issues we're facing regarding some scheduled activity (unusual to meet in the break room, granted, but when everyone is busy, it's hard to find time for everyone to meet in a more formal area). So, I ended up having the brief meeting and then proceeded to take my walk around the block, which pretty much takes up my entire break. What she saw, in her mind, was me taking an extended coffee break.

Anyway, rather than get upset about the fact that this woman is trying to sabotage my career, I felt a little sorry for her and let the issue go. I know I did nothing wrong. So today, I decided to do something a little different... I stopped before work and purchased her favourite beverage and left it on her desk. When she arrived at work, she was shocked by my gesture. Perhaps that will help change her mind a little when it comes to me.

After work I decided to book flights to Toronto for next month. I don't have the vacation time approved yet because I still need to work out how to get the critical day-to-day stuff covered while I'm gone, but I'm confident that I can get a plan in place. I really need a vacation...

Today I'm grateful for:

* Reward miles
* My co-worker, T
* Some success on my diet/exercise plan
* E-mails and chats that keep me sane

Tuesday, May 15, 2007


Dammit, I need to make a decision on whether or not to go to Toronto in June. The flights are filling up fast and there's not really much left on the areoplan site. I finally asked my girlfriend if she'd like to go and she pretty much said no because of the expense. I offered to cover her but she hasn't replied yet. I would really like if she'd go with me. I don't like the thought of us being unstable and separated by half the country. Actually, it's mainly because my latest anxiety attack trigger is thinking about her cheating on me. Yeah... I don't know where that came from. She's quite depressed right now and I honestly don't think that'd even cross her mind... but what if it did? Depressed people do that... crazy things like sex with strangers or whatever. See? I'm going insane.

Anyway, I've started walking more often. About 15-20 minutes during my morning break at work (which is easier to motivate myself to do) and about 15 minutes in the evening (much harder to motivate myself to do), followed by some stretches. It seems to be an effective mood lifter so far. Hopefully I'll get the added bonus of weight loss too.

Detroit is beating Anaheim 5-0 right now. I love it. I hate Anaheim and their stacked defence line. Hopefully Detroit can repeat again later in the week.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... yesterday my new boss of a few weeks (but used to be my boss for four years before I switched departments) gave his notice yesterday. I'm once again without a manager. I phoned my manager who is on mat leave and she was shocked about the departure, but then joked that it's obviously something about me that drives all my bosses away, lol. I told her she better come back for sure now because dammit, now I've lost the last link to knowledge for my tasks.

Today I'm grateful for:

* The tiniest bit of motivation
* Courtesy phone calls
* Online help
* Private messages/e-mails of support

Monday, May 14, 2007

Could be worse...

Well, seeing how I'm really down in the dumps... I'm going to try a different approach to the 'gratitude' part of my posts. Today, I think I'll list things that would be worse than what I have going on right now.

Things Worse Than My Excrutiating Heartache:

* Serious illness
* Death of a friend or family (that one will be coming up soon though)
* Loss of job (like my dumbass sister today)
* Car accident where there is serious injury or my car is heavily damaged
* Loss of home and possessions in a fire or something
* Bankruptcy (hm... this one might not be bad enough)

I can't think of any other ones right now...

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Trash & Massage

I'm sipping on a Timmy's coffee as I type this. Mmmmmm..... so good. I don't think I could ever move from Canada if it meant not having coffee from Tim Horton's again...

Yesterday I spent the evening at the movie theatre with my sister watching Lucky You and Spiderman 3. I went to distract my mind from my relationship issues but both movies had disfunctional relationships with tons of angst, so I was reminded of my issues about ever five seconds. The first movie was kind of a disappointment, although Eric Bana is so cute, he's almost worth the price of admission. The second was quite good... poor tortured characters...

We didn't end up getting home until after midnight and yet, here I am, up at 9 am nursing a coffee and trying to motivate myself to go into work for an hour. The company is doing the annual trash pick-up in the neighbourhood and I always pitch in to help, although my back is killing me this year. I'm only staying an hour before I go for my massage. I'm hoping that helps a little.

Today I'm grateful for:

* My massage this morning
* My sister putting up with me last night
* My supportive friends
* The weekend!!!!

Friday, May 11, 2007

Song of the day

This is the song that's been going through my head on repeat today...

Ruby Red - Written by Jann Arden

You don’t know me
You don’t own me
You don’t show me
That you love me like no other
You don’t hold me
You don’t know me
You don’t love me anymore so

You don’t need me
You can’t see me
You don’t please me
You don’t want me to be happy
You don’t hear me
You don’t feel me
You don’t love me anymore so

You don’t know me
You never knew me baby
You never told me
That you loved me when we lied in bed
You’ll miss me
You’ll never kiss these
Lips of ruby sunset

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Low Energy

I have no energy. I think it's because I can't seem to get my ass into bed until after 11 pm and then I wake up at 5:30 in the morning dead tired. I've been dragging myself through the work day and then come home exhausted. Today I slept for two hours after work. I'm tired again now... hopefully I will be able to sleep again soon.

I'm not sure what's up for the weekend, aside from a massage on Saturday morning. I don't really feel like doing anything, but that's probably because I'm tired right now. Maybe I'll be able to convince my girlfriend to go see a movie or something. The hockey playoffs have started again, so tomorrow night is out... I really hope the Ducks lose.

Today I'm grateful for:

* My sister being asked on a date this weekend. Awwww...
* Almost the end of the work week
* Not being moved at work yet. Not ready for the change quite yet...
* No rain for a whole day... yay!

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Well now, let's see...

I was reading Stacey's latest update on 2 girls in love thinking to myself how lucky I am to live in a low humidity area of the country when I noticed that she tagged me for the 7 Things list going around the blogs where people share 7 random facts/habits about themselves and then tag other people to do the same. Alright, I'll give it a go...

1. I can hand write better with my left hand than I can with my right. I print better with my right hand than my left though, so I consider myself right handed. I golf and play other sports left-handed and could never learn the guitar properly in music class because I always wanted to hold it the 'other' way. Weird.

2. I have a terrible memory and am easily distracted. I can forget what I've done only hours ago. Post-It notes, To Do lists and spreadsheets (schedule to pay bills or they'd all be paid late)are a way of life for me, otherwise I'd never remember anything. This is why Stacey hasn't gotten the stuff I've had for over a year for her... I keep forgetting to go to the post office. I think my gift for Riley is probably too small for her now because I've waited so long. My co-worker suggested that I have adult ADD because I switch projects every ten minutes, dropping what I'm doing to work on something else. That could very well be the case. My girlfriend gets so frustrated with me when she tells me something and I don't hear her because I've turned away to look or listen to something else and I don't even realize I do it. "Did a butterfly just go by or something?" heh...

3. I am an organizing freak. I love storage cabinets, drawers, bins, tubs, shelves, hooks... whatever makes things look neat. Staples has to be my favourite store ever. My desks at work and home are neatly organized and if I can't find a place for something, it's either thrown away, given away, or something else goes in it's place. As for other people's stuff... well, that's their stuff and their problem, although I do have a bad habit of subtly straightening up my girlfriend's place but she always ends up noticing and gives me shit. Oh well... there are worse things a person could do, I think.

4. When something is broken or wrong, I NEED to fix it RIGHT NOW!!! I cannot stand to have something broken or missing or something and leave it to worry about later. When I'm sick, I'm immediately pumping myself full of vitamin C and echinacea (if it's a cold or flu) or researching what it could be and what I can do to help get better because it's pretty much a waste of time to go to the doctor for little things most of the time. I will search for something if it needs to be purchased to make something else I bought work or take whatever needs to be taken in to be repaired. And of course, this also makes the current situation with my girlfriend so hard for me to deal with. I want to fix it so bad... but there's nothing I can do, short of going to medical school to become a surgeon... or a psychiatrist. I hate feeling useless.

5. My thumbs are double jointed. Actually, they bend backward twice as far as they bend forward. Totally weird. It took me years to learn how to use a lighter...

6. I have a horrible fear of ladybugs, bees, spiders and putting my face in water. The ladybug one is the worst though. It started when I was five years old in my backyard... a ladybug landed on me and peed. That scarred me for life, lol. I remember the first time I went to Lilith Fair, the whole field had bees and ladybugs flying around. It was 30 degrees outside and I was wrapped in a tarp, terrified. I was never afraid of spiders until I was bit by one while sitting on a bench at a bus stop. I had this huge spider bite for weeks... and then six months later, the bump came back! It was so freaky. The water one is weird... I can be under water just fine, but I can't go face first unless I'm diving in. And I found out a few years ago that I can no longer go diving in the deep end of the pool because the pressure makes me get an instant nose bleed. What the hell is that about??

7. I'm kind of a
Club Pogo addict. Yeah, that's my computer game indulgence. I get my two badges per week and chat with some of my co-workers or friends or my girlfriend. My mom and grandmother are hardcore addicts. My grandmother loves playing bingo and gin on there. She'll call me at work sometimes to share when she's won a lot of tokens in a spin, lol. She likes that it gives her space from my grandfather who likes to just sit and watch tv and be grumpy.

I don't know 7 people to tag for this, but I guess I can try tagging Chantel at
and this is how it went... and Sandra at Sam's World and maybe Jen will update her deranged detour blog if she sees this (heh)...

I Love Jann Arden

I took my girlfriend to see Jann Arden in concert last night. God, I love her. She is such an amazing human being and funny as all hell... plus she sings/writes great songs as well. This is the third time I've seen her in concert and I think I decided last night that I will probably go see her every time she comes to town for the rest of her career. I've always been somewhat of a fan, since her Living Under June album came out when she became really popular in Canada, but it wasn't until I decided on a whim to go to her concert about 4 years ago that I really fell in love with her material and her personality. The woman is hilarious! But more than that, she's kind and inspiring and so giving to people in general.

About 3 years ago, I met Jann in person at a bookstore. She was there signing copies of her second book and there were so many people lined up to see her that it was easily an hour or more wait to finally get to the front of the line. I took my mother with me, who at the time barely knew who Jann Arden was.

I was really depressed at the time because my relationship with my ex-girlfriend was falling apart. At the time, I thought it was due to her being stressed out about working full-time and taking four classes at night, plus the fact that we were living quite a distance apart with no resolution in sight (it ended up being more than that). She is a huge Jann Arden fan, so I was going to get a book signed for her as well, but then I thought of something else as well. I bought a blank card I saw at the bookstore and thought about what I was going to say when I finally got to the front of the line.

At the front of the line, we were warned that we could only get one item per person signed and no pictures with Jann were allowed in order to keep the line moving and have everyone get a moment with her. I handed my mom one book and I had another plus the blank card. When we reached the table, my mom got the one book signed for me and I asked her to sign the book I had for my then girlfriend. I then asked her if she'd do something else for me. I quickly explained my situation, my relationship falling apart and my girlfriend and I separated by many miles and the stress on her (and me)... and I told her that her online journal entries always inspired me and she really had a way with words, so if she could write a small note on the card for my girlfriend that I'm sure it'd make a difference or at least make my girlfriend feel inspired. She kindly listened to me and then gave me a little pep talk while she wrote away on the card. Then took my hand, squeezed it and told me that things would work out the way they're supposed to in the end. I was choked up and nearly cried. When we left the store, my mom said, "That woman is amazing." My mom never says stuff like that about anything or anyone.

I really wish I had photocopied the note as a keepsake because it was really great, but instead, I went straight to the post office to mail it overnight to my girlfriend. Something told me that I needed to get the note to her ASAP. When we left the post office, my mom said what I thought was a strange thing for her to say, "You must really love her. I hope she doesn't break your heart."

Yeah, the very next day, before the note could get to her, she broke up with me.

I guess Jann was right... things will work out the way they're supposed to in the end.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Hanging in somewhat... I don't know

I'm tired, despite having a three day weekend. I guess getting over a cold + emotional stress + cramps = exhaustion...

Friday, it poured rain all day. I did end up having lunch with my girlfriend near her work. She was having a bad work day, so she wasn't in the greatest of moods, but she made an effort to be pleasant. After lunch, I went and renewed my AMA membership and then went home to do a load of laundry. Around 6 pm, my girlfriend called on her way over to ask what I thought about going out that night with her and one of her co-workers who she discovered is bi-sexual. She had never had the chance to talk to the girl at work aside from smoke breaks and had suggested a night out sometime. I was happy that she wanted my opinion on it. I was even happier when she said it would be nice to have someone from work that she could hang out with that I could actually meet. Those aren't the exact words...she said it better, in a way that made me feel like our relationship might survive past this really rough patch.

So anyway, we took her bi co-worker to one of the gay bars and we played pool. Her co-worker and I hit it off really well... we chatted up a storm while my girlfriend was kicking other girls' asses at pool. It was nice to see my girlfriend laugh and joke and have a lot of fun. She's so cute when she's like that...sigh. Anyway, we were exhausted by the time we got home... I think Friday night was the best sleep I've had in a long time because I was so tired, I slept like the dead.

Saturday I dropped my car off at the dealership for some work and then we ended up shopping for about five hours. Jesus christ... talk about exhausting. She was looking for some stuff for her family, so we ended up going all over the place searching tons of stores. By the time we got home, I felt like going to bed, but it was only 7 pm. We watched The Guardian and then half of Clueless before going to bed. I didn't sleep as well last night... I was feeling down about our relationship. Same with this morning/today... feeling sad. It's very hard keeping it together sometimes when the person who's supposed to comfort you is the reason you need comforting in the first place.


I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

Today I'm grateful for:

* No backwards steps, I think...
* Following through on re-arranging my furniture. I like the change..
* No more rain for now
* My father who is quite the handyman... built an awesome deck in one day

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Starting the weekend

Tonight is the beginning of my weekend. I decided to take tomorrow off in hope that I can sleep a little and recover from this cold. I know I'm run down from the stress in my life and I haven't been sleeping more than five or six hours a night.

Tomorrow I'm going to meet my girlfriend for lunch somewhere (she wants to wait until tomorrow to decide where). Hopefully that'll be a nice highlight of the day.

I'm still quite congested and keep having to clear my throat, which is making it sore. I'm hoping the cold meds will kick in soon and I can sleep.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Seeing my grandfather alive for another birthday
* My cat Molly who napped with me under the covers all snuggly and cute
* Cold medication
* Vacation days
* No steps backward today

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Another day...

I'm feeling a little better today, although I think I've blown my nose about 200 times. At least my throat isn't as sore, so that's a big improvement. I hate having a sore throat.

I saw Fracture with my sister tonight. It was pretty darn good. I enjoyed it a lot. I was surprised by how slick Ryan Gosling was in it. Of course Anthony Hopkins was his usual brilliant self.

My girlfriend got an appointment for physio tomorrow, so I won't be seeing her until Friday (hopefully). Thursday is my grandfather's birthday, so I have to go over there for dinner and cake.

She sent me a text message grumbling about how she'll probably have to go to physio for the rest of her 'stupid life'. I replied telling her that her life isn't stupid and that worse things could happen...god forbid. She didn't reply to that... hopefully she takes that for what it is... perspective and isn't mad at me. Who knows...

Today I'm grateful for:

* My health (well... except for this cold of course)
* My family
* My friends
* No backward steps for the moment