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Friday, April 27, 2007

Coping

Let's see... in the past two days, I've:

  • Given a goodbye/retirement speech for an employee who was my favourite co-worker. I started crying in front of the entire plant.
  • Had a lengthy talk with my girlfriend last night about how I'm miserable and torn up about how she's withdrawing and hurting me because of it. It got us pretty much nowhere because she refuses to see that she needs to cope better and insists that I cannot possibly understand what she's going through. Nothing has changed and I feel even worse now.
  • Had a sleepless night of tossing and turning and watching the clock, just waiting for the time to get up because I couldn't quiet the turmoil and devastation in my mind.
  • Cried three times at work today in front of three different co-workers while admitting my current relationship issues.
  • Smoked two cigarettes today.
  • Couldn't concentrate worth shit.
  • Worked 13 hours today. I stayed until 8:30 tonight. Crisis always happens on the last day of the fiscal month when I absolutely cannot stay home.
  • Decided to go home tonight rather than join my girlfriend and some of her friends (that are also kind of my friends now) at a local pub. She didn't outright express an invitation, she pretty much asked me what I was doing and then told me what she was thinking of doing. I know she was waiting for me to ask, but I didn't. I told her she can call me tomorrow if she wants to do something. I'm 99% sure I won't hear from her.
  • Was praised multiple times by both the plant manager and my new boss about my ideas, attitude and work ethic. I could really care less right now. I'm pretty much on autopilot. How lucky for them that I can still function highly at work while my personal life falls to pieces and all I want to do is walk out into traffic. I think about that line in The Devil Wears Prada that goes something like, "Wait until your personal life goes up in flames. That means you're about to get promoted." No shit!!!

I don't know what else to say right now. I've promised my friends and family that I will make an effort to socialize more and get out and do stuff in order to keep my mind off of this crap. I need to give myself some distance between my girlfriend... meaning, I need to leave it alone right now and stop trying so hard. She doesn't want to reach out, so fine... I'll just wait for a while. It's going to be hard... very very hard, but I'm going to try it. The girl's been a huge part of my life for nine months now. God... in the words of Buffy the vampire slayer, "My life sucks beyond the telling of it."

Today I'm grateful for:

* Friends, both at work and online. I don't know what I'd do without that support.
* My mom and dad... they've promised not to ask about my girlfriend for a while.
* The weekend, even though this is going to be hard because I always spend the weekends with my girlfriend.... I desperately need to catch up on sleep.
* Books and movies... basically any kind of distraction

1 comment:

Stacey said...

Awwww...so sorry! Don't walk into traffic! We're all here for you. It would be sweet if you could visit.