I take that back...

Well, I had an hour-long phone conversation with her this morning. I didn't realize things could get worse, but they did. About the only good thing that came out of that conversation (and I use the term loosely... there was a lot of silence and 10 minute long sentences because it's hard to speak words all together when sobbing) was more insight as to why she's treating me the way she is. Oh, and I got to say the things I forgot to say last weekend (big deal, like any of it helped). I won't go into details because it just hurts too much and because I doubt anyone of this Earth would understand the logic (I know I don't completely).

I told her that she knows where I am and what I feel and where I stand. I told her, when the time comes where she's on the other side of this huge obstacle in her life, to not be stubborn or cowardly. I think the 'I love you's and 'goodbyes' after that can be measured in only one way:

Imagine being punched in the face really hard repeatedly, and then kicked in the abdomen so hard you cannot do anything but fall to the ground in agony.

Then imagine a car running over you in slow motion. Unfortunately, you do not pass out and you do not die. You're just broken beyond repair.

And then... imagine your body being thrown into the middle of the ocean where you slowly sink to the bottom because you're too broken to swim to the top and you cannot breathe... and you see daylight above you slowly get dimmer with each second you sink... but you don't die. You just feel the excruciating pain and unfairness of it all and you don't understand any of it in the least. It's like you were blindsided by it... in fact, you were!! You think, 'I haven't done anything to anyone to deserve this! All I ever did was love and respect and give understanding... shouldn't that be enough?' You realize it doesn't matter now, because there's nothing you can do at this point to change any of it, regardless of how unfair and irrational it is.

That's how saying goodbye felt.

Yeah, I know there are some people reading this who are thinking, 'Oh, for the love of god... it's not that bad. You have a broken heart... you'll get over it.' Actually, that's almost word for word what my father told me yesterday. And yeah, that's true, I will get over it eventually... but that won't be for a very long time. This isn't something that a plaster cast, a billion stitches, a prescription drug or a breakthrough surgery can heal for me. Only time and experience can. What a raw deal us (well, 99% of us at least... can't exactly count the psychopaths) humans have... we have to feel everything. Great for keeping society in check and awesome when everything is going well in life... but debilitating when it's not.

Hm... well, I think I'm going to head over to Wal-mart to pick up a CSI DVD and maybe some other TV Show. I need mega distraction. I got Season 2 of The Closer in the mail the other day and started watching it on Friday. It's only 13 episodes, so I'll be finished that today. I don't know which other shows I'd want to start watching. I have never watched House or Grey's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives or much of Lost. I've never watch Law & Order or any of it's spin-offs. I don't know what to gamble on.

Today I'm grateful for: (picture me snorting as I type this)

* The second season of The Closer, which is AWESOME.
* My friends, even if they're all sick of me right now and can only listen as I say the same things over and over again.
* Central A/C in the house when it's 30 C outside in the shade.
* My work ethic, the only thing keeping me going to work right now.
* Somehow still managing to sort of stick to my diet and not gaining any more weight.

I'm also really proud of Wendi who just graduated from UCLA as a doctor. The journey through med school was definitely not easy for her and I know she faced many challenges and endured a lot of stress (and some self-doubt) along the way. I, and I'm sure everyone else who cares about her, always told her that she could get through med school and do it well... and she has. I'm very proud of her for not giving up on herself when the going got extremely tough. I'm sure residency is not going to be loads easier by any means, but I know she'll kick ass at that as she did through med school. She deserves all of the future success I know will go her way.