I have a horrible phobia of lady bugs. Ever since I was around 5 or 6 years old, I've freaked when faced with one. So, naturally, my mother likes to have fun with that. Over the years, she's bought me lady bug bookmarks and cards and points out a lady bug whenever she sees one. I had no idea lady bugs could be purchased in a bag with a plastic window in it. Today, I heard "Show Jen, show Jen.." in the hallway and out of the corner of my eye I could see a picture of a lady bug on what I thought was a card. Nope. They turned it around right in front of my face and there under the little plastic window were about 30 lady bugs. I immediately shrieked and practically fell over the bed trying to get away from 'em. Gotta love family...
My sister told me she received a text message from...um, her today. I still can't use the term I should yet. Anyway, she asked my sister how I was doing. She said she didn't want to phone me and upset me and asked my sister to not tell me that she was asking. My sister didn't know how to answer so she told her that she'd talk to me tonight to see how I am. I thought about it for about an hour and a half tonight before I told her what she could disclose. I don't really know how to feel about that. I wasn't surprised that she text messaged my sister, but I thought she'd be saying 'happy birthday' instead of asking about me. I know she cares about me and I am happy that she reached out to my sister (especially because I'm nowhere near close to being able to talk to her without breaking down) but it just really hurts. I know the reason why we're not together right now but I find myself unable to be angry at her. I'm frustrated and devastated but more at the situation than her. We're not broken up because she cheated on me or doesn't love me but I think those scenarios would hurt less. At least then I could be angry and hate her and channel some of these emotions into that instead of having them seep out little by little.
As I told a friend the other day, I feel like I'm two people right now. One has slowly begun to move on and little by little enjoy life again. The other has not moved on a second past that last conversation. I fluctuate between the two like a broken switch. I want nothing more than to be with her, but I know we can't be right now. I'm about 90% sure that she won't reach out to me when that time comes, so I'm feeling especially hopeless these days. Last night I had a dream that I met and hooked up with Lucy Lawless (heh, too much Xena viewing lately)... but I remember being sad even in the dream because I didn't want to be with LL... I wanted to be with her. How sad is that? I should probably be kicked out of the lesbian club for admitting such a thing.
Oh yeah, and I think my grandmother is on crack in regards to the cat using the toilet thing.
My sister told me she received a text message from...um, her today. I still can't use the term I should yet. Anyway, she asked my sister how I was doing. She said she didn't want to phone me and upset me and asked my sister to not tell me that she was asking. My sister didn't know how to answer so she told her that she'd talk to me tonight to see how I am. I thought about it for about an hour and a half tonight before I told her what she could disclose. I don't really know how to feel about that. I wasn't surprised that she text messaged my sister, but I thought she'd be saying 'happy birthday' instead of asking about me. I know she cares about me and I am happy that she reached out to my sister (especially because I'm nowhere near close to being able to talk to her without breaking down) but it just really hurts. I know the reason why we're not together right now but I find myself unable to be angry at her. I'm frustrated and devastated but more at the situation than her. We're not broken up because she cheated on me or doesn't love me but I think those scenarios would hurt less. At least then I could be angry and hate her and channel some of these emotions into that instead of having them seep out little by little.
As I told a friend the other day, I feel like I'm two people right now. One has slowly begun to move on and little by little enjoy life again. The other has not moved on a second past that last conversation. I fluctuate between the two like a broken switch. I want nothing more than to be with her, but I know we can't be right now. I'm about 90% sure that she won't reach out to me when that time comes, so I'm feeling especially hopeless these days. Last night I had a dream that I met and hooked up with Lucy Lawless (heh, too much Xena viewing lately)... but I remember being sad even in the dream because I didn't want to be with LL... I wanted to be with her. How sad is that? I should probably be kicked out of the lesbian club for admitting such a thing.
Oh yeah, and I think my grandmother is on crack in regards to the cat using the toilet thing.
Here are some pictures of my sister's birthday:
Chantel with our grandmother
Dad pretending he can't stand Chantel
Chantel posing with her cake
Chantel causing the house to burn down
Chantel posing with poor Molly
Today I'm grateful for:
* My sister cutting the icing off of my piece of birthday cake. I hate icing unless it's cream cheese.
* Snuggles with my kitties, even though I'm now covered in cat hair. Bleah. Not used to that anymore.
* Finally settling the details of my vacation request at work. I always feel guilty for taking vacation even though I'm entitled to four weeks.
* Finding something I thought I had thrown out months ago that I was wishing I hadn't.
2 comments:
post the photos from tonight
Yeah, yeah... they're up now. :P
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