Muddling through...

I'm so frustrated and impatient and angry and tired and sad and... I don't know, probably many other things. I'm being worn down little by little and I'm wondering how much more I can take of this heartache.

This morning, I was fine. In the afternoon, I started having frustrated, angry thoughts again. By the time I got home at 5:30, I was depressed again. Fuck! I'm so sick of this. Why can't I be stronger than this?? Why can't I just step back and focus on myself? I don't even know how to do that... focus on myself. Or maybe that's what I'm already doing without realizing it? I'm focused on my feelings and my wants and needs and I'm not thinking about the other side of it. Perhaps that is my problem. I can't get anything to change by just wishing I could get the attention I want.

It has to change with her first.

I can't do anything to move that change along. It's out of my hands and it's agony because I can't stand not being able to fix something or do something or help in some way.

How do I step back? I can't even do that for a day. It hurts too much. I also have an underlying fear that I'll lose her if I back away for a period of time. I know she won't be figuring things out any time soon because she refuses to try (in my opinion, anyway), but I suppose it's still a new thing... so it would be an extended period. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I want to support her... but she's just punishing me and our relationship.

I know she cares for me. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to break up with me because she took me out with her family. I know she knows how badly she's been treating me and acknowledges that it is unfair and her fault. And god help me, I love her very much. I took my time falling for her last year because I wanted to be sure it would be worth it... and I guess this answers that. Despite this fucking excruciating heartache... I'm still in love with her.

Probably six months ago, we had a talk about fantasies we had... and neither of us came up with anything really good... mainly because we were pretty satisfied with what we had already. Well, I now have a fantasy... pretty simple really... I sent it to her in a text message. I told her it's what I want for the weekend. She didn't reply, though when I talked to her on the phone, she said she received it. We'll see this weekend.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Never being in trouble with the law
* Tomorrow being Wednesday already
* Overtime this week
* Um... I guess no backwards steps, although it's not like there have been many forward ones either.
* Not having completely ruined my diet this week, despite feeling depressed
* Friends conversing with me despite my being lame and depressed