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Saturday, June 30, 2007

Empty

I went with my parents to see my great uncle today. He was happy to see me... it's been a while. He looked better than I expected. It's hard to believe just how sick he really is. Last night he was getting out of the hospital bed and he dislocated his hip. Nothing seems to be going his way. :/

On the way home, my father decided he wanted to take a different route home... right by her place. I asked him if he could not go that way. He asked why? My mother spoke up and said, "Because this way goes right past C's house." Well, he totally flipped out at me, telling me that I'm fucked up and told me to "get the fuck over it already" because there are more important and larger problems that people have. He kept talking until I just said, "Just stop talking." Needless to say I cried all the way home and tried to keep the anxiety attack from coming on from being in that area of the city.

I'm sorry, but with a month past, I still feel empty inside and so incredibly sad. And when I think too much about her or have to do something that reminds me of her or 'us', I have varying degrees of anxiety. Tomorrow morning I'm going golfing and it's going to kill me to put my clubs in the car and drive to the course. It's going to be very emotional to tee off on every single hole. I didn't want to golf at all this year because it's too painful to think about golfing without her... but I was invited and feel I should force myself to do it.

I just hate feeling this sad and empty. I look at my great uncle in the hospital bed who doesn't have much time left, but he talks about all of the things he was doing before he was in the hospital and what he hopes to do if he gets to leave the hospital and I think I wish I could change places with him. He enjoys life and finds joy in things and I don't. I just exist. I do things like work and watch movies and play on the computer to pass time. I don't need these years that I'm just wasting. I wish I could give them to someone who would actually value them. Yes, there are times where I'm happy... my vacation for example... the first five months of my relationship with her... first break at work with the guys... but it always goes away. I feel empty again and I'm left with fading memories of those times when I was lucky enough to feel like I was living.

I guess I better go to bed. I have a tee time to face at 7:30 in the morning.

2 comments:

Stacey said...

Do you go to therapy because it sounds like you should. I know it`s hard but you shouldn`t feel so empty and depressed constantly. You remind me of my friend Michelle who was depressed for so long...

Angele said...

I would consider therapy with a psycho-therapist as well. It sounds like you need some help.

I was seeing one when I met Stacey and she helped me alot.

Also if I may add a lesson is to not let your gf take over your life and lose some good friends. Your good friends will always be there but gf can come and go.