I don't know why I'm thinking about Finding Nemo this evening... when Dory and Marlin are trying to get the goggles... Marlin doesn't want to go down there even though he has to... Dory is singing that as she swims down... that's kind of how I feel this week. I'm forcing myself to be positive and keep moving even though I don't want to. I've hit yet another rough patch this week and it's taking a lot to stay buoyant (um, no pun intended), but goddamn it, I'm sick of feeling this way.
Yesterday, I was trading messages with an old friend from Jr. High that I haven't seen in years. We found each other again on Facebook and I finally sent her a message the other day, after waiting about a month. We caught up a little, and I told her that I'm in the process of recovering from a break-up, which is why I hadn't messaged her until now. I haven't told her that I date women... I suppose I should, but I don't know if I will yet. Anyway, we were talking about how some things are just not meant to be, etc., and how some things have to be let go. I realized then that I have a problem. I don't have complete closure. I think that's why this whole thing is like having a band-aid ripped off a wound every couple of days. I still can't help but think of that minuscule bit of a chance that things might change eventually. I've already come to terms with the fact that I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT HAS HAPPENED. I CAN'T FIX IT. ONLY SHE CAN FIX IT. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. IT'S HER, NOT ME. (for once that actually rings true... ha ha..) I AM FREAKIN' AWESOME AND A GREAT GIRLFRIEND. I'M SUPPORTIVE AND GIVING AND LOVING AND TREATED HER LIKE GOLD. HELL, I'VE LOST 20 LBS SINCE SHE LAST SAW ME! IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH ME AND SHE'S ABLE TO WALK AWAY FROM ME THEN I CAN'T CHANGE THAT. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. NOTHING. SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE THIS SITUATION AT ALL. TEXTING WILL DO NO GOOD SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. LOOK AWAY FROM THE PHONE...
Heh... that was the pep talk I gave myself earlier. It's all true... but the truth is hard to swallow like one of those huge-ass vitamin pills that look like they'd choke a horse. And who actually wants to take those? Nobody. And I bet even a spoonful of sugar (splenda cuz I'm on a diet) wouldn't help, even if Mary Poppins herself came to ram it down my throat. Of course Mary Poppins is a huge bitch when you think about it. I would send her over to my ex's (yes, I said it) place and Mary would say, "Get the hell over it already. Shit happens but that doesn't mean you have to push your girlfriend away. You need people around you in times like these. You're getting your surgery and you'll be recovering just fine after that. Here, take this spoon full of reality and for god sakes, keep your room tidy." Ah well... as fun as that tangent was... the truth still sucks ass.
The bank finally called me today to tell me my loan was approved. Yay. Organized finances. I'm going in tomorrow morning to sign the paperwork. See? Nothing like having a broken heart to find the motivation to set everything else in my life right. Weight loss? Check. Finances in order? Check. Job situation okay? Check. Love life? In the toilet...
Well, I think I'll go back to watching season 2 (or I should say series 2) of Bad Girls. I believe I've fallen for Helen Stewart all over again. After this I think I've run out of things to watch. I think I'm going to have to sweet talk Jen into sending me some L-Word stuff. Hm... I wonder what it would take... I also wonder when the heck she's going to update her blog again... heh...
Today I'm grateful for:
* My grandmother having only broken a bone in her hand when she fell on some rocks the other day. It could have been a lot worse. Poor grandma... :(
* My job
* My new loan
* My iPod
* Bad Girls
* Getting my bedroom light fixed so I don't have to stumble around in the dark
* Aquacise extended to five days a week at the pool
* Being able to at least fake being happy most of the day. The highs are getting higher and the lows not so low. Still hurts like a motherfucker, but time takes time. Go figure.
* My friends who still put up with me even though I've been lame lately. Thank you.
* MSN chats with my American twin, the once every two months that they occur anyway... ;)
* Actually having to put away pants because they're too big for me. YAY!
3 comments:
Okay smartass. You know, I was going to update this morning til I read your little snarky blurb. :) Sigh Okay. I'll update - see, you have me wrapped around your little finger. It's those crazy chicas from other countries that I just can't resist. ;)
I completely forgot to send you the L Word stuff, didn't I? God I suck. I might not be able to send it out before I leave on vacation tomorrow, but once I get back, you have full and total permission to throttle me should I forget yet again.
And because I completely forgot the first time around, I find it funny that my Canadian twin posts about my two favorite movies of all time. :)
i love your style of writing. seriously. and mary poppins is a huge bitch.
glad things are starting to get a little better. keep on swimming or trucking. whatever you prefer.
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