Thanks

Thank you for the support, guys... I appreciate it and am using it as a crutch right now.

Well, tonight I had to ask my girlfriend if she got her MRI results yet... she didn't tell me she went to the doctor today. I asked her why she didn't mention it when I asked how her day was. She doesn't want to talk about it. She says it's pretty much the worst news she could have gotten.... partial tear to the ligament... probably won't get in to see a surgeon until the fall, and even then there's the chance they won't operate on it. Fuck. I can tell, just from messaging her that she's sunk even lower.

I don't know what to say to her now. I told her I feel for her, even though that doesn't help right now. She has pretty much shutdown. I feel so helpless now... I can't even be the cheerleader anymore because the prognosis sucks and she's basically going to have to learn to deal with it for quite a while and possibly longer.

Sigh... this sucks so much.

My stress has finally brought on a cold... sore throat and runny nose. Yay... I get to deal with that now too. In all honesty though, I would gladly re-live last August when I had strep throat for almost the entire month if it meant fixing what's happening now.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Slow work day today
* Comedy like the Ellen Degeneres show and The Real Wedding Crashers... the only thing that makes my girlfriend look happy for a few minutes at a time anymore
* Support from friends and family
* Throat lozenges

I don't know...

Well, I spent about 24 hrs at the girlfriend's place. We watched some hockey and a few movies. We watched three movies I had never seen.. Big with Tom Hanks, Summer Catch with pretty much every male from the Scream/Buffy days, and Pearl Harbor. Yeah, I know, I'm not sure how I could have not ever watched 2/3 of those movies yet, but now I have. I was actually surprised when my girlfriend brought out PH to watch, seeing how it's so long, but I guess she didn't mind my company. Overall, no steps backward but no steps forward either. It could have been worse, I suppose.

I think we might do dinner mid-week. Other than that, I'm going to leave her be for the most part... give her space. I have a feeling that'll backfire and she'll just withdraw even more, but we'll see, I guess.

Damn Canucks lost to the Ducks in hockey tonight. I hate the Ducks, but only because Chris Pronger is on the team now. Damn Pronger knocked up some girl at the gym in Edmonton and his wife made him request the trade.

Well, time to see if I can sleep. I think I feel a sore throat coming on. Ugh...

Today I'm grateful for:

* No backwards steps
* Jann Arden concert in just over a week
* My family
* Cherry Halls

A Test

I went to see Vacancy with my sister today. I thought that seeing Kate Beckinsale would cheer me up a bit. The movie was terrible, but at least it was a scary movie that I didn't have to cover my eyes for!

I bought three 80's movies today after we left the movie theatre. I'm not going to say which ones...lol... only that they're good for when you're in the mood for a cheering up.

My girlfriend asked me if I want to go over there tonight to watch movies and tv. That seems like a baby step improvement, so I will comply. We're going to pig out on pizza and junk... should be a therapeutic evening.

I'm so tired. I couldn't manage to sleep in this morning or fall asleep for a nap this afternoon. I'm not sure what's up with that. Must be the stress...

Today I'm grateful for:

* Baby steps
* Lowered expectations
* Lame movies
* My favourite sister (she knows there's no contest on that one!)

Coping

Let's see... in the past two days, I've:

• Given a goodbye/retirement speech for an employee who was my favourite co-worker. I started crying in front of the entire plant.
• Had a lengthy talk with my girlfriend last night about how I'm miserable and torn up about how she's withdrawing and hurting me because of it. It got us pretty much nowhere because she refuses to see that she needs to cope better and insists that I cannot possibly understand what she's going through. Nothing has changed and I feel even worse now.
• Had a sleepless night of tossing and turning and watching the clock, just waiting for the time to get up because I couldn't quiet the turmoil and devastation in my mind.
• Cried three times at work today in front of three different co-workers while admitting my current relationship issues.
• Smoked two cigarettes today.
• Couldn't concentrate worth shit.
• Worked 13 hours today. I stayed until 8:30 tonight. Crisis always happens on the last day of the fiscal month when I absolutely cannot stay home.
• Decided to go home tonight rather than join my girlfriend and some of her friends (that are also kind of my friends now) at a local pub. She didn't outright express an invitation, she pretty much asked me what I was doing and then told me what she was thinking of doing. I know she was waiting for me to ask, but I didn't. I told her she can call me tomorrow if she wants to do something. I'm 99% sure I won't hear from her.
• Was praised multiple times by both the plant manager and my new boss about my ideas, attitude and work ethic. I could really care less right now. I'm pretty much on autopilot. How lucky for them that I can still function highly at work while my personal life falls to pieces and all I want to do is walk out into traffic. I think about that line in The Devil Wears Prada that goes something like, "Wait until your personal life goes up in flames. That means you're about to get promoted." No shit!!!

I don't know what else to say right now. I've promised my friends and family that I will make an effort to socialize more and get out and do stuff in order to keep my mind off of this crap. I need to give myself some distance between my girlfriend... meaning, I need to leave it alone right now and stop trying so hard. She doesn't want to reach out, so fine... I'll just wait for a while. It's going to be hard... very very hard, but I'm going to try it. The girl's been a huge part of my life for nine months now. God... in the words of Buffy the vampire slayer, "My life sucks beyond the telling of it."

Today I'm grateful for:

* Friends, both at work and online. I don't know what I'd do without that support.
* My mom and dad... they've promised not to ask about my girlfriend for a while.
* The weekend, even though this is going to be hard because I always spend the weekends with my girlfriend.... I desperately need to catch up on sleep.
* Books and movies... basically any kind of distraction

Shaking Things Up

[Edited]

Today I'm grateful for:

* Not going off the deep end when I received no text messages today. Turns out the network was down.
* A quiet evening home alone
* Buffalo winning tonight
* Beautiful weather
* Six hours of overtime this week
* Chiropractic adjustments

Best $427 I've spent this week...

It took almost all day, but I finally managed to rescue my car from the dealership after it's annual (and long overdue) tune-up. It was a dream to drive home in... no more squealing and rumbling like a tank. Yeah, I know... I'm such a girl. I wait as long as possible before bringing it in. Let's face it, it's a pain in the ass to find the time. Of course, it serves me right if it breaks down before I get it in. Anyway, I'm taking it back on Saturday for a little more work... the rear bearings need re-packing and the rear brakes adjusted. Another $250, but oh well... whatever keeps it on the road.

While I was waiting for my car to be finished (they were running late), I went across the street to Chapters and picked out two books on how to improve oneself at work. One is called The Power Of Nice by Linda Kaplan Thaler and Robin Koval and the other one is 45 Things You Do That Drive Your Boss Crazy (and how to avoid them) by Anita Bruzzese. I read about twenty pages of The Power Of Nice and love it. I also read some of the other one and am enjoying that one too.

It was nice leaving work at 11:30 this morning in order to take my car in. That was about as much of it as I could take. I wish I had taken a nap this afternoon though... the cats kept me up last night, running back and forth between windows. Now I remember why I moved away from there, lol...

Today I'm grateful for:

* My better running car
* Quasi-dinner with my girlfriend
* New books to read
* Better storage

Sunday Night Blues...

Why does the weekend always go by so fast? Sigh... [edited]

Lots of slacking this weekend. My sister was being an idiot on Thursday night and as a result I strained my lower back. It's been hard sleeping the past two nights because it gets so stiff and sore after a few hours of not moving. I did manage to do some house cleaning though... bathrooms and vacuuming. Bleah. I should have started some laundry too... oh well.

The weather is still rainy and crappy but not as much. It's actually 10 C right now, which is amazing considering how grey and gloomy it is outside.

I went to Wal-Mart this evening to pick up a few things. It seems like I ran out of practically everything I could possibly use in the bathroom this weekend. Toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, hair styling stuff, Q-Tips, etc. I also needed a few plastic storage shelf things, so I took a cart with me. Holy crap, never wheel a cart around Wal-Mart on the weekend. Between the other carts, the strollers and pallets of product that they have strewn around the store for the night shift to stock the shelves with, it's an absolute nightmare to navigate around the store.

I'm staying over at my grandparents' place tonight. Nobody is here so I thought I'd keep the kitties company. They're so cute... climbing all over me, purring, happy someone is here to give them attention.

Tomorrow I'm taking my car in to get fixed. It needs a tune-up badly and an oil change. I hope that's all it needs.

Today I'm grateful for:

* A different start to my Sunday
* Talking some things out, no matter how painful
* Only working 4.5 hours tomorrow.

Snowy Thursday

Okay, I'm not sure what happened to spring, but this is ridiculous!! It's been sleeting for two days now... ugh. I think we've had about 2 ft fall so far and it's still going strong. It's supposed to last for another three or four days. Hopefully it gets nice after this weekend!!

I went out for dinner with my girlfriend on a mid-week date. We had a really good time while watching the Pittsburgh/Ottawa game at a sports lounge. It was nice to go out and have some good conversation and laughs.

Tomorrow my girlfriend has her MRI appointment for her knee. I had no idea they had appointments as late as 8 pm, but apparently they do. Then again, it's good that they do, seeing how the wait for an MRI is about five months. Yay Canada... oh well, at least we don't have to pay the $700 for it.

I got my income tax return the other day so on Monday I'm taking my car in for a tune-up and oil change. It's way past due... I'm terrible at car maintenance. It's probably a good thing that I've never had a brand new car. I'd probably wreck it within a few years.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Mid-week dates
* Laughing with my girlfriend
* At least the rain/snow = less static!
* Tomorrow being Friday

Is it Friday yet??

I watched The Pursuit Of Happyness on Sunday afternoon. I enjoyed it though felt sorry for his struggle. Of course he's worth millions now, so he definitely earned 'em. I also watched The Good Shepard last night, which I thought was way too long and drawn out. I was glad when it was over. I didn't even care about the plot... it was too boring. Tonight I'm watching Casino Royale which is alright. I like Daniel Craig in the role. He plays serious very well.

I forgot to mention, my sister was fired from her job last week. She's back on the meth, so of course she was late every day for weeks and a bunch of other stuff. Her stupid ass boyfriend is back on it too. She's being so difficult to reason with, once again... it's hard to watch her ruin her life.

Today I'm grateful for:

* My tax return arriving in the mail
* Nice weather
* A doctor who actually cares
* My office mate who shares his tales of woe and then listens as I tell mine
* My health

Tired

I'm absolutely exhausted... hence no posts for a few days. [edited]

I went tanning today at a place closer to home. I had my minutes transfered from the other place. This place has the most stuck up bitches working there though... it's too bad the other place is way too far away.

Things are a little better with the girlfriend. Definite progress in that area.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Progress
* The end of the work week tomorrow
* The fact that I haven't gotten sick yet when everyone else seems to be

Not Bad...

I finished watching The Holiday after work today. I enjoyed the theme and how it turned out for the ladies (and men). I wish I could do that some time... just take off on a moment's notice for two weeks in another country.

I talked a bit with my girlfriend. I sent her for a massage as an Easter present. Things seem like they may be getting better between us. I'm going to visit her tomorrow...

Today I'm grateful for:

* Tiny progress
* Nice chats with online friends
* Canadian Women making the final in hockey tonight

More Movies...

I rented four movies on Saturday evening: Stranger Than Fiction, Step Up, Running With Scissors, and Cinderella III...

I absolutely *loved* Stranger Than Fiction. Will Ferrell (whom I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I still wasn't sure I liked him) was brilliant in this film. So were Maggie Gyllenhaal, Emma Thompson, Queen Latifah and Dustin Hoffman.

I did not like Running With Scissors at all. *Shudder*

I liked Step Up for the most part. I would much rather watch Save The Last Dance for the exact same plot, except with better actors. And whenever I see Channing Tatum, I think of She's The Man which is also a better movie. He just sounds like an idiot all the time. He uses 'Um..' way too much.

I am not into animated films unless someone forces me to watch them, but I actually sought out Cinderella III because of the 'What if the shoe didn't fit?' premise. It turned out to be lame, but it was nice to see Anastasia's character developed.

I rented two more movies today: The Holiday and The Pursuit Of Happyness. I think I'll watch one before bed and the other one tomorrow.

Easter dinner was good. My grandmother made homemade pumpkin pie which was great as always.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Blockbuster
* The end of the weekend
* My sister who is rational
* Finally finding my white necklace after losing it two months ago

I never thought I'd say this, but...

I can't wait until Monday...

I've visited family, hung out with family, went shopping with my b-day gift certificates, saw a movie, built half of a jigsaw puzzle, went tanning, bought and consumed some excellent Merlot, watched a movie at home, finished a book, bought two more, went for a walk, read several blogs that are linked on the 2 girls in love blog, and completed three logic puzzles all since this long weekend began. I'm sooooooooooooooo bored. I miss my girlfriend. If she were here, we'd be doing the same things, only I wouldn't be bored. I hate weekends without her. I hope she's having a good time with her family and enjoying her alone time.

My sister and I saw Blades of Glory on Friday. It was hilarious. I'm still not the biggest Will Ferrell fan, but both he and Jon Heder were funny as hell. There were actually parts where the audience laughed out loud... or in some cases groaned out loud in reaction to some of the mishaps the guys had learning to pairs skate. I definitely recommend this movie.

My sister (notice how I've hijacked her for the weekend so I have someone to do stuff with seeing how all of most of my other friends are either working or on vacation) rented Let's Go To Prison from Blockbuster last night. I had never even heard of this movie but we watched it and believe it or not, I actually didn't mind it.

I finished reading The Nanny Diaries by Emma McLaughlin and Nicola Kraus and can't wait for the movie to come out. It's a great pick-me-up for anyone who currently dislikes their job. Read this and you'll be thankful you're not in this profession. I picked up their second book called Citizen Girl which is about a humorous look at jobs in general, I think.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Book and DVDs to keep me somewhat occupied
* Gift Certificates
* The weather warming up a little
* Finding a great bottle of red wine

Good Friday and memories

My sister posted on her blog this morning about our great-grandmother. She passed away on a Good Friday (which happened to be April 9th that year), 13 years ago. I was 16, my sister was 8 and my great-grandmother had turned 87 exactly one month before. Since my sister was too young to really know her, I told her I'd post some of the things I remember.

She always wore a dress and nylons. The kind of dresses that had no shape...just had a collar and sleeves and the rest just fell to below the knees. She always bought me what I really wanted for my birthday (usually a cabbage patch doll). She had a ton of really cool tea cups and we'd have tea quite often. Her favourite show on TV was The Littlest Hobo.

I was the only great-grand child (or grand child for that matter) who visited her on a weekly basis. I would go over there and we would watch TV and she would feed me junk (I remember she always had cans of pop in the fridge which was soooo cool because we never had cans of pop at home). She always baked her own bread which she would end up laying on a sheet in a guest bedroom. I never liked her bread, but wouldn't dare tell her that. She always had jell-o in the fridge too... I don't think she ever actually ate it... she would make it for me to eat.

She had the coolest basement ever. It was unfinished and was essentially one whole room with the center supports making it look like a donut. She had really old fashioned cupboards and kitchen supplies down there and I remember pretending to cook down there for hours. Sometimes she would sit down there with me and I would serve her a pretend meal. There was an old fashioned sewing machine down there (y'know, the kind you had to rock with your foot to keep it going) and an ancient television that didn't work, but we would sit there and pretend they did. She also had a ton of cool rocks in a bin in the basement. It's hard to explain... the bin was built into a wall unit/cabinet sort of thing. They were rocks she and my great-grandfather and family had collected over the years.

There was also a little room under the stairs that served as a cold room for her canning. She had the best pears, peaches and plums.

I remember there was a bed downstairs with a few dolls on it. They always scared the crap out of me because they had porcelain faces with the eyes that opened when you picked them up, so I would always keep a wary eye on them in case they got up off the bed and came to attack me.

The spare bedroom that I stayed in had a ton of pictures of the pope and the Royal Family. The sheets on the bed are probably still the softest I've ever felt in my entire life. Oh, she always had a ton of Trident gum in the bedroom as well. Not sure why...

Her bedroom had a huge jewelry box filled with more costume jewelry than one person would ever need. She also had this really nice cedar chest filled with Hudson Bay blankets (the cream coloured wool blankets with the red, black and yellow...or is it green... stripes along the side).

After she had her first stroke, she started seeing her lawyer about changing her will. A few weeks before her second stroke (and heart attack that time), she was talking about something I didn't quite understand. She slurred words after her first stroke, so sometimes I couldn't really understand what she was saying, but I'd pretend like I did because she'd cry and get frustrated if she could see her condition was affecting her way of life, etc. Anyway, she muttered something about how she was going to see her lawyer in a week and how everyone was going to be surprised. She was right after she told me that I was the only one who came to visit her, especially after her stroke. One of my great-aunts would come prepare all of her meals at that point (which were basically mush because she could barely swallow) but she wouldn't stay. They (two great-aunts and my grandfather) would ask me to stay with her, which I had no problem with, but I could tell, even at 16 years of age, that they were being terrible, ungrateful children. To this day, I am almost certain that she was going to change her revise her will again, cutting out her kids.

A few days later, however, she had a second stroke and a heart attack and was hospitalized for the last couple of remaining weeks of her life. It was hard seeing her in the hospital, so weak and barely lucid for longer than five minutes at a time. I think I saw her three times in the hospital and the last time being two days before she died. At that point she could not open her eyes, but when I spoke to her and told her I loved her, she squeezed my hand ever so slightly and stroked her thumb over mine.

Anyway, those are the memories of my great-grandmother. Oh, for those wondering, when the will was read after her death, it turns out she did manage to shock the family anyway. She divided her assets between her three kids but left nothing to any of the grand children or great-grand children... except for me. I received the cedar chest that I had loved so much (Of course there was some clause that said I couldn't have it until I was 18, so my parents gave it to my mom's friend. I saw it a few years ago and they had totally ruined it. That still makes me a little sad. Oh well.). To this day, that side of the family still has a grudge against me. Selfish assholes.

S-T-R-E-S-S

My goodness, what a week...

Between work and my girlfriend, I'm stressed out big time. [Edited]

My girlfriend... that's an even harder issue. We have been fighting and "not communicating well at all" for the past few weeks. Sigh. We're working on it... had a decent talk yesterday which helped. She's away this weekend visiting her family for Easter, so we're in the middle of a five day break from each other. I've been wavering between being totally okay with it to feeling worried and anxious. I'm trying to tell myself that worrying helps NOTHING. Nothing has ever been made better by worrying about it.

That reminds me... I've been all about the self help books lately. I used to make fun of them, but I realize, while standing in the self help aisle of Chapters, that there is actually really helpful lessons and tips for not being/starting to/coping with [enter any kind of problem here]. Dude, sometimes we need help... and usually we try to fix stuff ourselves. Thank goodness for books and the internet! Oh yeah, I picked up a great book about walking programs, etc. Interesting read so far. I love learning stuff and information. I can read any kind of magazine and be interested by the articles. Even stuff that I never see or use or have heard of.

Okay, time to start the weekend. Going to a movie. Not sure which one yet. Maybe that figure skating one....um... Blades of Glory I think it's called. A comedy would be great right about now.

Today I'm grateful for:

* My grandfather showing me a cool trick with cutlery, a glass and a toothpick
* My grandmother's cooking
* Still having a ton of tanning minutes
* Feeling confident enough to work my ass off for my relationship with my girlfriend

Who needs corn starch anyway?

[Edited]

Oh well... at least the day flew by.

It's snowing like crazy today. It feels like winter is starting all over again. Below zero all week long until Saturday when it gets to about 6 and then Sunday is 8 or something. Yay. Can't wait!!!

Today one of my co-workers was really late for work. Apparently he hit a pot hole and totally tore a hole in his oil pan and broke his oil pump and muffler. There's other damage underneath as well, but that was the major stuff. He showed me pictures he took on his phone... man, I'm so glad that hasn't happened to me (yet). Poor guy. He has to take the rest of the week off because he lives far away and has no ride while he gets his car fixed.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Heating pads (especially for cramps)
* Not hitting any pot holes this season...yet
* My (responsible) sister starting her new job today that she'll hopefully like much better than her old one
* My mother finally realizing she isn't responsible for my other (idiot) sister and the stupid choices she makes
* A nice warm place to live, especially on a day like today when it's snowing like crazy outside

Weekend of Suckage

This weekend sucked for the most part.

On Friday, I suffered with stomach cramps all day long, trying to shake the food poisoning. I ended up having to come home for three hours in the afternoon to lay down with a heating pad on my stomach for some relief. I was able to finish my shift at work after that, thank goodness.

On Saturday, my girlfriend and I finished a puzzle I had started a week ago and then started a new one. Later on, we went to the second draw of the Men's World Curling championship that is being held here. It was so cool... like being to a hockey game for the first time. The sounds are all different and we could watch four games at once. Much more interesting that way!!! Best of all, our awesome seats were free because my girlfriend's work got tickets for every day of the tournament.

After curling, we went to a house party because one of my girlfriend's teammates didn't want to go alone. We met up with some of my girlfriend's other friends and ended up staying there for an hour or so before going to a bar. I had a lot of fun dancing with the group. My girlfriend hung out with some of our friends at the edge of the dance floor because her knee is still screwed up. I'm not sure she would have danced with us even if she was able to though. She mentioned not liking to dance a few times now. She says she feels like an idiot out there. Who doesn't... but it's about letting go and having fun. Oh well.

Today was wasted on vegging in front of the tv watching movies. I watched The American President which I loved and The Cutting Edge which was okay. Right now I'm watching The Devil Wears Prada for the third time. I still prefer the book to the movie...

I also slammed the tip of my finger in a kitchen drawer tonight. Hurts like a bitch!!! I can still type though, thank goodness. Not sure what I'd do at work tomorrow if I couldn't.

Today I'm grateful for:

* Gravol
* April Fool's Day falling on a non-work day
* Tax Returns
* Upcoming long weekend